The Best Movies Never Made: The Velocirapture

Paul Schrader

Justin Robinson and Clinton Wolf

Kirk Cameron, Rebecca Gayheart, Sir Ben Kingsley, Nick Offerman, and Lorenzo Lamas as “Jesus Christ”

This summer, sin isn’t just original. It’s primordial.

War hero Captain Brock Brockman (Kirk Cameron) has just returned from overseas, where he single-handedly pacified Afghanistan. His wife, Mrs. Brockman (Rebecca Gayheart) is mad at him because he said he was going to pick up milk but instead left for five years and killed all the terrorists. In an effort to placate is unreasonable wife and get to know his son, he invites the neighbors over for dinner. The neighbors are extremely religious and seem to have the perfect familial relationship. In the middle of dinner, the neighbors vanish, only to be replaced by hungry Velociraptors!

Using every ounce of his training, Brockman kills the Velociraptors and saves his family. His wife is angry because she feels that murdering one’s guests, even if they have turned into ravenous dinosaurs, is unconscionably rude. Turning on the news, they find that this is happening all over the Christian world: good Christians have been replaced by Velociraptors! There are lots of scenes of Velociraptors in street clothes terrorizing people. It’s like World War Z except awesome.

Organizing a ragtag group of survivors, Brockman makes it to the nearby military base after some harrowing and heartwarming action. He is greeted by General Maximum Deltoid (Sir Ben Kingsley) who has gathered a bunch of scientists and priests and such for a new civilization away from the raptors. One of the priests reveals the horrifying truth: they are in the middle of the great Rapture foretold by the Bible, only it is something far worse. It is the VELOCIRAPTURE!

This accounts for why the dinosaurs are so well behaved. Other than the murder.

The survivors, now surrounded on all sides by the dinosaurs, have to do something. Fortunately, they have one secret up their sleeves: Project Mustache Fury. In this ultra-secret location, they have cloned the only man who could possibly hunt this many dinosaurs: former president Teddy Roosevelt (Nick Offerman). As General Deltoid unfreezes the army of Teddy Roosevelts, he explains that in order to keep them from breeding, all the Teddy Roosevelts have been made genetically female. Each one of them is hooked to an IV drip of pure grain alcohol, pureed elk meat, and gunpowder (this is the only sustenance bad ass enough for Teddy Roosevelt’s body) and released to battle the Velociraptors.

Captain Brockman remembers something from the slide show his neighbors showed (right before they ascended bodily into heaven and were replaced by dinosaurs): images of the Creation Museum the family went to on vacation. There was a dinosaur there with a saddle. He realizes the problem right as there is gunfire at the gates.

The Teddy Roosevelts are now riding the Velociraptors. With no hope, Brockman prays to Jesus (Lorenzo Lamas).

And Jesus appears. With machine guns in each hand. What follows is an action scene so fucking amazing that if I were to describe it to you, you would instantly become pregnant and nine months later would give birth to a headbutt.

The heroes go up to heaven with Jesus, and the planet returns to the dinosaurs. In a twist ending, it is revealed that this is the real reason dinosaurs went extinct.

Kirk Cameron initially refused to star alongside Rebecca Gayheart, stating that her name was a “lifestyle choice” and an “abomination.”

Mrs. Brockton’s first name is never revealed. She is only ever referred to by her last name or as “Honey,” “Mom,” and “Hey, You.”

In the flashback sequence, all the terrorists are digital performances by the same actor in a motion capture suit. The persistent rumor is that Andy Serkis was involved, but he has threatened to sue anyone who implies a connection with this project.

When the first Velociraptors are revealed, one can be seen bobbing in the exact pattern of the famous Konami Code.

Lorenzo Lamas successfully lobbied for the role of Jesus Christ when he showed up at Paul Schrader’s office in a Catwoman costume.

Nick Offerman had no idea there was a movie being filmed. He’s like that all the time.

The broadway song and dance number the raptors performed was originally supposed to be set to a John Williams version of “New York, New York,” but the filmmakers could not afford the rights and had to settle for the theme song to Mr. Belvedere.

Paul Schrader originally wanted to make the movie with Lindsay Lohan and former UFC/porn star War Machine, but the insurance companies refused to clear either actor.

Cameo: Animated newsman Kent Brockman as Brock’s brother.

M. Night Shyamalan did uncredited work on the script.

Errors made by characters (possibly deliberate errors by the filmmakers): The Rapture is not mentioned in The Bible.

Factual errors: the dinosaurs in the film are not Velociraptors, but the larger, related species Utahraptor (see Jurassic Park for more details)

Factual errors: Raptors had feathers

Revealing mistakes: When the raptor drives the taxi, a crewmember can briefly be seen crouched in the back seat

Errors in geography: Santa Monica is not Downtown

Anachronisms: Jesus Christ never had an NRA membership

Boom mic visible: During the Outrageous Cretaceous scene

Anachronisms: There was no way Jesus was that jacked.

Factual errors: Teddy Roosevelt’s mustache did not consist of other, smaller mustaches that were equally deadly.

Revealing mistakes: When Teddy Roosevelt punches the first raptor in the trampoline factory, his fist leaves a dent in the rubber mask.

Memorable Quotes
Dr. Omar: How are the dinosaurs breeding? They’re abstinent!
Brock Brockman: Life… uh… uh… Life finds a way.

Jesus Christ: And the LORD was pissed.

Captain Brockman: Clever girl.
Mrs. Brockman: Thanks, honey!

General Deltoid: It’s exactly as the Bible foretold it. People ascending bodily into heaven only to be replaced by killer dinosaurs. Why didn’t the Pentagon heed my warnings?

Teddy Roosevelt (repeated line): Bully!

Jesus Christ: I don’t have any loaves or fishes, but I can multiply these bullets!

Mrs. Brockman: It’s Dinogeddon. (Brockman slaps her) Ow!

Selected Reviews
“Finally, a movie about dinosaurs that’s accurate!” — Ray Comfort

“Watch me eat this banana.” — Kirk Cameron

“Why didn’t my agent tell me about this one?” — Debbie Gibson

Check out a couple more of the Best Movies Never Made, with Caveman Cop and Brometheus.

About Justin

Author, mammal.
This entry was posted in Moment of Excellence, Projected Pixels and Emulsion, Puffery and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Best Movies Never Made: The Velocirapture

  1. Andrew says:

    I so want to see this movie made and screened at WBC.

  2. Pingback: The Best Movies Never Made | The Satellite Show

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