The Best Movies Never Made: Caveman Cop

Godfrey Ho

Amir Shervan

Gabriel Gonzaga, Michael Winslow, Maria Conchita Alonso, Taylor Negron, Brigette Neilsen, Edward James Olmos

Caveman Cop (Gabriel Gonzaga) work Narco in LA. Caveman Cop big. Caveman Cop bad.  Caveman Cop have awesome arrest record. Caveman Cop like 50,000 years old or something. Not mentioned. Not important.

Caveman Cop always get his man. Use homemade stone spears, not that gun department give him. Evil spirit in gun. Make loud noise. Frighten Caveman Cop.

Year 1988. Caveman Cop on trail of heroin smuggling ring. Only now Caveman Cop have to break in new Black Partner (Michael Winslow). Caveman Cop too old for this shit. See, Captain (Maria Conchita Alonso) upset about Caveman Cop cavalier approach to “rules” and “regulations.” Caveman Cop play by own rules. Pleistocene rules. Caveman Cop cause massive amount of property damage. Caveman Cop hoot and wail. Caveman Cop forget to Mirandi… Mirand… Mi… tell bad man what can and can’t do. Caveman Cop lose more convictions that way.

Caveman Cop also cop on edge. Break into La Brea Tar Pit. Visit wife, Caveman Cop Wife (Brigitte Neilsen in flashbacks). Cry a lot. Drink fermented caribou milk because no one tell Caveman Cop about whiskey.

Caveman Cop and Black Partner investigate simple drug deal gone wrong. Turn out to be large conspiracy surrounding Mayor of Los Angeles (Edward James Olmos). Mayor have Creepy Goon (Taylor Negron) in charge of all heroin in LA. Not on Caveman Cop watch!

Caveman Cop have sex scene with stripper. It… not pleasant.

Caveman Cop and Black Partner get too close to Mayor business. Send Creepy Goon after them. Caveman Cop lose spear. Fortunately, Black Partner there to save ass. Caveman Cop begin appreciate Black Partner.

Caveman Cop and Black Partner go have shoot out with Mayor and army of goons. Caveman Cop have spear again. Use stone tools. Say cool stuff.

Gun battle spills into neighboring La Brea Tar Pits. Mayor take Caveman Cop Wife hostage. Well, take bones hostage, anyway. Caveman Cop not have move. Black Parter save day by shooting Mayor arm. Then Caveman cop impale Mayor on mammoth tusk and drop him into tar. Then Caveman Cop, Black Partner, and bones of Caveman Cop Wife have drink.

Two Oscar nominations, 1 win (for Best Sound Editing). Oscar later revoked when it was discovered the sound effects were all co-star Michael Winslow working with Mercedes McCambridge.

Black Partner’s badge number is 714, the same as Detective Joe Friday’s on Dragnet.

Originally pitched as a sequel to Gandhi.

Caveman Cop’s wife is a fossilized skeleton of an elderly Cro-Magnon man currently on display in Balboa Park, San Diego.

Black Partner’s name is never revealed. Whenever he or another character is about to say it, Caveman Cop cuts them off. This becomes an in-joke in the sequels.

The cave paintings Caveman Cop paints on the bathroom stalls were done by famed street artist Omar Omar.

Caveman Cop’s cave on the cliffs of Malibu was swallowed up by a mudslide in 1993.

Though never stated in the film, Caveman Cop is intended to be Archaic Homo sapiens, a possible subspecies of anatomically modern humans.

The studio originally wanted Werner Herzog, but balked when he tried to cast Uwe Boll as the title role. Instead, they turned to their second choice, Sam Firstenberg, director of the popular Ninja III: The Domination. He briefly cast a young Tommy Wiseau, but through a combination of nepotism and intrigue, was replaced by the final cast and crew.

Due to a mix up at the recording studio, Caveman Cop’s voice was dubbed by Casey Kasem in the European release and Christopher Lambert in the American.

Narrowly avoided an X rating by cutting away during the Mayor’s impaling and tar-drowning death.

Plot holes: Caveman Cop somehow knows that Creepy Goon is allergic to sunflower seeds, despite never hearing that information

Boom mic visible: during the Lascaux freakout scene

Factual errors: Cavemen seldom lived past forty, and never reached their 50,000th birthday.

Factual errors: Caveman Cop’s toolmaking skills were not advanced enough for his species, although it is possible he is just stupid.

Factual errors: Cavemen weren’t like that. At all.

Errors made by characters (possibly deliberate errors by the filmmakers): “Creepy Goon” is not an actual job title for City Hall employees in Los Angeles

Revealing mistakes: In flashback, when Caveman Cop wrestles the sabretooth, one of the teeth comes out.

Errors in geography: Santa Monica is not Downtown

Errors in geography: The mayor’s Beverly Hills estate is depicted as being right next to the La Brea Tar Pits. This is not possible.

Errors made by characters (possibly deliberate errors by the filmmakers): Caveman Cop believes that most modern amenities, including (but not limited to) cars, coffee makers, books, firearms, and Methodists are evil spirits. This is not true.

Memorable Quotes
The Captain: I don’t like your methods, Caveman Cop, but you get results!

The Captain: (referring to Black Partner) Caveman Cop, this is your new partner, Detective–
Caveman Cop: Caveman Cop not have time for this!

(repeated line) Black Partner: Shit!

Caveman Cop: Time make Mayor extinct.

(repeated line) Black Partner: Damn!

Caveman Cop: Caveman Cop here to hunt mammoth and kick ass. And Caveman Cop all out of mammoth.

Selected Reviews
“Offensive to cavemen. Somehow.”
-Dr. Richard Leakey

“Gog like.”

“A lyrical meditation on the nature of law enforcement and early man.”
-Armond White

For another one of the greatest movies never made, check out ’89 Bullets. Or check out the kind of movie that inspired Caveman Cop in the Stallone Diary.

About Justin

Author, mammal.
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Best Movies Never Made: Caveman Cop

  1. This is quite brilliant

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