The Best Movies Never Made: Brometheus

Director
Ridley Scott

Writer
Ridley Scott, Damon Lindelof, and Jeff Probst

Starring
Josh Brolin, Pierce Brosnan, Emily Browning, Brock Lesnar

Synopsis
A hovering spacecraft that looks almost exactly like a luxury Hummer leaves Earth. A single humanoid alien (Brock Lesnar) wearing big shorts, an open shirt, and a backwards baseball cap pounds from a beer bong and totally barfs into the primordial soup. Then, like, some science shit happens or whatever.

Like a million years later, a pair of archaeologists (Josh Brolin and Emily Browning) find writing in various cave paintings all over the world, but mostly in places like Fort Lauderdale and Ibiza. They determine that these are advertisements for Axe Body Spray created tens of thousands of years before that product was ever invented. After huffing three barrels of Axe, they figure out a map to a distant planet.

Using a gross old rich guy (Rico Rodriguez) they assemble a team of guys who claim to be scientists but turn out to be that year’s pledge class of Phi Zeta. They have to go on a space mission to get in, so they blast off in the U.S.S. Cabo, a spaceship/pool party/dance club, for a distant planet.. They pretty much instantly turn out to be completely incompetent at their jobs, fundamentally misunderstanding not only the particulars of their alleged specialties but science itself as a heuristic.

They land on a barren, rocky planet. The entire crew is instantly depressed that it isn’t the nonstop party that was described in the cave paintings. They explore the ruins of the ancient civilization, marveling at highly advanced gymnasia, sports bars, and Abercrombie and Fitch outlets. Unfortunately, because most of the crew are men, the alien ruins decide they are fucking up the ratio, and sets about destroying them. The men don’t help their cause by instantly getting drunk and attempting to chug or fuck the variety of goo or monsters the planet jizzes at them.

For no reason ever explained in the script, the ship’s mandroid, Brobot (Pierce Brosnan), rufies the lead archaeologist and the planet totally date rapes her. None of the ship’s medical devices are equipped for treating women because no homo, am I right? She has a giant monster baby called the Broliath.

Brobot and the gross old rich guy (on the ship for no adequately explained reason), wake the final alien, known as the Mengineer (Brock Lesnar). Things are going well until Brobot implies that the Mengineer looks a little gay in his board shorts and no shirt. The Mengineer just goes nuts on everyone. He has an showdown with the Broliath, and both are killed.

Brobot and the surviving female archaeolgist fly off into space.

Trivia
Rico Rodriguez, chiefly known for his role as a child on Modern Family, performed the part of Gross Old Rich Guy in extensive old age makeup. Though his character is never shown young (and thus out of makeup), the director reportedly called old people “gross” and insisted on a child actor.

Though there are several female characters, none of them are ever identified by name.

The phrase “no homo” appears 634 times in the script.

The filmmakers wanted Matthew McConaughey to portray both the Mengineers and himself in a bizarre dual role, but scheduling proved impossible.

There were so many high fives exchanged in various scenes in the film, both Josh Brolin and Pierce Brosnan had to get palm transplant surgery.

The little red cups the Mengineers drink from resemble the commercially available beverage cup, but are in fact replicas costing five hundred dollars each.

The beer on the ship was real, and the director encouraged the cast to drink even when not on camera. Because of the drinking, Emily Browning had to have her stomach pumped, Josh Brolin married a local stripper, and Pierce Brosnan got a butterfly tattooed on the small of his back.

The dialogue for this film is nearly identical to Prometheus, but translated for bros by noted manthropologist Dr. Leonard “Broadzilla” Thorson.

Goofs
Factual error (possibly deliberate error by filmmakers): The sky isn’t constant. A star map would not still work thousands of years after it was originally made.

Boom mic visible: During the “Mengineers Gone Wild” scene

Factual error (possibly deliberate error by filmmakers): Science is in no way faith-based.

Factual error (possibly deliberate error by filmmakers): The archaeologists don’t seem to understand their field of study exclusively focuses on dead things.

Errors in geography: Santa Monica is not Downtown.

Plot holes: Please see related page for a full list of plot holes

Memorable Quotes
Female Archaeologist: You’re wasted. This place isn’t awesome like we thought. Charlie barfed all those shots. We gotta get to Havasu!
Gross Old Rich Guy: And would Charlie want you to bitch out? You wanna leave before Happy Hour? Or have you lost your roll?

Gross Old Rich Guy’s Daughter: If you’re really going down there, you’re gonna yak.
Gross Old Rich Guy: Is there sand in your vagina? Haters gonna hate.
Gross Old Rich Guy’s Daughter: Did you think I was gonna do all your work while you went on spring break without me? Presidents graduate or flunk out.

Gross Old Rich Guy (on recording): ‘Sup, bros and hos. I am the man. It’s, like, June or something and I think it’s 2090. Wait, 2091? Are you sure, Hoagie? Whatever. If you’re watching this, you don’t know that Oona Chaplin totally showed her boobs on Game of Thrones last week, which is an awesome show, even though it has elves and D&D and shit. Epic. Also, I’m dead. May I rest in peace. (pauses) It’s so sad I’m dead. (wipes away tears) I was always the best, you know? If you were too drunk to drive, I’d put you in a cab. I’d always take you to Cabo (no homo). I was awesome. I used to always play that DMB song. Remember that? (sings “Crash Into Me” badly. Gets really into it).

(stops crying, turns serious) So, anyway, there’s this totally chill bro with you. Brobot, stand up and show them guns. Anyway, Brobot is my bro, and a clutch dude. He will never get old and gross like me. Brobot doesn’t understand how awesome he is, because he has no heart.

When I wasn’t up at Vail shredding fresh powder or banging drunk chicks in Fort Lauderdale, I thought bout some deep shit. What happens after Spring Break? Is there a Havasu, like, after this one? Anyway, these other two bros, even though one is a chick, are here to figure that out. (gestures at archaeologists) These two are are the man, even though one is a chick, like I said.

The Titan Brometheus wanted bros to be as awesome as gods, so he brought us beer pong and Funyuns, and he got put on academic probation for it. It’s time that motherfucker graduates.

Selected Reviews
“Shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the scientific method. But at least has a better command of it than Prometheus.” — Stephen Hawking

“Phi Zeta!” — the actual Phi Zeta pledge class

“Huh?” — Richard Roeper

Thanks to Clint. The title came from him during a fast and furious volley of bro-puns we were throwing back and forth. Or check out another one of the Best Movies Never Made.