As both of my readers are no doubt aware, I take the week of Comic-Con off. Why? I’m at Comic-Con! Seriously, I thought we’d covered this. Instead of just not posting anything, I’ve decided to post a roundup of the loose series I have been doing on Very Special Television, in which I go through things like ABC Afterschool Specials, Blossom, and various Lifetime movies, finding meaning that probably isn’t even there.
Gimme Some After-School Specials
The Intro, in which we learn what I’m doing here.
“The 18th Emergency,” in which we learn about bullies and being named Peaches.
“The Summer of the Swans,” in which we learn not to be a surly bitch all the time.
“The Skating Rink,” in which we learn how to get seduced by creepy older men.
“Dear Lovey Hart, I Am Desperate,” in which we learn not to give advice.
“Francesca, Baby,” in which we begin the Alcoholic Mom Trilogy.
“Beat the Turtle Drum,” in which we learn to stay the fuck out of treehouses.
“The Pinballs,” in which we learn that life sucks.
“Trouble River,” in which we learn that sometimes it’s best to let grandma die.
“It’s a Mile from Here to Glory,” in which we learn you can’t run from your problems, unless your problems involve running.
“Thank You, Jackie Robinson,” in which we learn that baseball rules, racism drools.
“My Other Mother,” in which we learn that alcoholic child abusers should be forgiven.
“Gaucho,” in which we learn it’s not worth becoming a drug dealer just to get your mom deported.
“A Special Gift,” in which we learn that being a ballet dancer is a lifestyle choice.
“The Gold Test,” in which we learn that those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach.
“What Are Friends For,” in which we learn the power of voodoo.
“Schoolboy Father,” in which we learn the dangers of sex with Rob Lowe.
“A Matter of Time,” in which we learn that we all have cancer.
“First Step,” in which we continue the Alcoholic Mom Trilogy.
“Tough Girl,” in which we learn the magic of friendship with Chest Rockwell.
“The Night Swimmers,” in which we learn that one must swim before one can night-swim.
“Two Loves for Jenny,” in which learn that some titles make no goddamn sense.
“Did You Hear What Happened to Andrea?” in which we learn that hitchhiking is a bad idea.
“The Dog Days of Arthur Cane,” in which we learn to never mock a god.
“Ace Hits the Big Time,” in which we learn that joining a gang is fun!
“Face at the Edge of the World,” in which we learn that suicide sucks.
“Picking Up the Pieces,” in which we conclude the Alcoholic Mom Trilogy.
The Conclusion, in which I discuss what I learned.
Very Special Blossom
“Pilot,” Blossom vs. Divorce
“Blossom’s Blossom,” Blossom vs. her uterus
“Sex, Lies and Teenagers,” Blossom vs. her dad
“The Geek,” Blossom vs. the kid from Dream On.
“Such a Night,” Blossom vs. her budget
“Second Base,” Blossom vs. her sexuality
“The Joint,” Blossom vs. Mary Jane
“To Tell the Truth,” Blossom vs. the truth
“Intervention,” Blossom vs. the demon rum
“Blossom: A Rockumentary,” Blossom vs. a fever
An Amish Murder: Two great tastes that taste great together.
Anna Nicole: A tawdry sex symbol extends her 15 minutes of fame.
On Strike for Christmas: A passive aggressive protest is the best way to celebrate.
Playdate: New neighbors signal trouble for the perfect family.
Flowers in the Attic: The first installment of the Dollanganger saga lacks an identity.
Lizzie Borden Took an Ax: and might or might not have given her mother forty whacks.
The Bad Son: He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write, he murders redheads…
Death Clique: Lesbians are the biggest dangers facing today’s teens.
Petals on the Wind: The second installment of the Dollanganger saga ramps up the crazy.
Blue-Eyed Butcher: Lifetime subverts every trope in this insane true crime story.
Time to learn and grow while I spend a week in San Diego!