Oh, dear. Pull up a chair for this one. I’m about to bring you The Jam of Spring 2011:
This is one Rebecca Black, “recording artist” (and I cannot find scare quotes sarcastic enough without changing fonts) from ARK Music Factory, a label that has spared every expense in both its web design and album packaging. From what I’ve read, it looks like ARK (which I’m keeping in caps, because the world must know of their atrocities) is trying desperately to mint another online superstar in the mold of Justin Bieber, Greyson Chance, or that kid who did the stupid lightsaber routine.
What’s hilarious about this whole thing is that, if RB was never found and reblogged and retweeted ad nauseum, we’d probably still be oblivious to the shit parade that is ARK. It’s sort of like Daveigh Chase’s character on Big Love: If she actually got famous singing, then someone would look into her life and find out she came from Juniper Creek, land of the Mormon Housedress Brigade. So it is with ARK; someone randomly coming across RB’s clip would just think someone made some cheap video for his girlfriend to kickstart her career. But if you look at their other artists, you find the same skeevy formula: find an underage girl, have her sing either a ballad or a club jam, film a video that makes local ads for carpet cleaners seem more authentic, and wait for no money to roll in.
The song, if you couldn’t gather already, is horrible. I’d tell you to listen for yourself, but even I’m not that heartless. It’s the blandest pop ever, and she can’t sing. She just drones into the microphone, spouting the most ridiculous lyrics:
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today it is Friday, Friday
We, we, we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday is afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end!
That was the entire breakdown in the middle of the song. An entire verse reminding you of Friday’s place on the calendar. That’s not even writing lyrics; that’s technically research.
“Wait, Friday, then…. RIGHT! Saturday. Good.”
“Sunday’s afterwards, Jeff.”
“MY GOD! WRITE THAT DOWN! YOU’VE GOT GOLD THERE!”
The video’s a hoot. It’s trying for that “Party in the Mercedes!” vibe, but really it’s “Fake party in a rented car on a bluescreen!” And Black’s got little to no camera presence; she just kinda smiles and sync-mumbles her lyrics. And her voice ain’t there, dawg. I still can’t get the way she says “party” out of my head, and not at all in a good way. If you do listen to the song, pay attention to that. I’m sure you’ll be pulling a “Deer Hunter” soon after.
Look, I get that it’s problematic to throw stones at young talent. They’re not mature, they’re not experienced, it’s mean to do so, etc. But, her parents signed off on this. ARK felt this was good enough to publish, and the Blacks agreed. And it’s a terrible piece of music. So, I’m going to criticize it. I won’t get personal; I’m leaving Rebecca as a person out of the mix. But the song is just awful, and the video pushes it into some bizarre and horrifying territory. Yet, like the best Yakmala films, it’s very watchable. When a director has decided that, rather than find a pole with a “Bus Stop” sign on it, he’ll just crappily superimpose one onto the frame, you know you’re dealing with some grade-A talent.
I don’t know if Yakmala! Audio Edition may be a recurring thing, but I could probably go a few more rounds simply with ARK’s catalog:
Oof. Someone get me the ear and eye bleach.