Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you’re anything like me, you love terrible films. In the bad movie club to which I belong, Yakmala, we’ve watched a lot of truly awful crimes against good taste. Here are some reviews to keep you nice and warm and maybe pick an enjoyably bad flick to work off that Christmas/New Year hangover.
After Earth: Charisma is real. Nepotism is a choice.
After Last Season: *stunned silence*
Alex Cross: Alex Cross is here to promote family values and kick ass. And he’s all out of family.
Ator, the Fighting Eagle:A baby bear was destined to help him marry his sister
The Avengers: Mmm… quite.
Barbarian Queen: Pretty much everyone is going to touch whatever they want
Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000: Prepare to go for the exits
Battle of the Year: Maybe one guy is watching, and not for the reasons you’d hope.
The Beaver: He’s the last nail in the coffin of Mel Gibson’s career.
Blood Freak: A Dracula on Thanksgiving!
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo: My community center is being torn down to make a shopping mall. I dance for pennies on the street, and spend all of it on day-glo rags and leather gloves. I have no health insurance and have to go to a hospital staffed entirely by strippers. I am the 99%.
Bride of the Monster: Lugosi was paid in morphine. Cheap morphine.
Catwoman: Catch her in a giant cardboard box.
The Cocaine Fiends: The white dust from Walgreens!
Color of Night: One Killer, and No, She Didn’t Gnaw Her Victims to Death With Her Giant Horse Teeth.
Deathstalker: The Grease of the Pecs… the Creepiness of Everyone…
Delinquent Daughters: YOUTH RUNNING MILD! UNSEEN…UNLIT!
Devil: Bad things happen because The Sixth Sense made a lot of money.
Diamond Ninja Force: His mustache demanded vengeance…
Double Down: The Bourne Incomprehensibility
Dreamcatcher: Evil Slips Through… Your Bunghole
Escape from Galaxy 3: In space, no one can hear you moan.
Exterminator City: We’re kind of hoping you mix this up with Terminator.
Fantastic Four: Beyond darkness… beyond fear… lies more darkness and some tedium.
Fateful Findings: I’ve been hacking into the most secret government and corporate secrets.
Fireproof: Women Are People Too, Just a Lesser Version
Flashdance: Take your passion, and 33% of you will make it happen!
From Justin to Kelly: The embarrassing contractual obligations of two American Idols
Glen or Glenda: The ordinary case of a man who changed his CLOTHES!
Gor: Gor! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Gymkata: The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate, the thrill of lawn care.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: …is the hand that punches Rebecca De Mornay in the face
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): 100% medically accurate. In Germany.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: Rise and farm
Jaws: The Revenge: This time it’s nonsensical.
Judge Dredd: The team up only 1995 could give us: Stallone and Schneider!
Kindergarten Ninja: I can think of two things wrong with that title.
Man of Steel: In the grim darkness of the present, there is only angst.
“Manos” The Hands of Fate: I’m the Master, and I Approved This Message!
The Man Who Saves the World: The Scarecrow was only half right.
Miami Connection: Tae Kwon! Tae Kwon! Tae Kwon Do!
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?: Row for your life, Tori Spelling!
Next: Nicolas Cage owes the government millions of dollars. Let’s see what he’ll do now.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge: Someone is coming on Elm Street’s back!
Ninja III: The Domination: He’s a hopelessly lost psychopath, she just happened to be nearby.
Ninja Thunderbolt: We’re not racist, but…
No Holds Barred: No Shirt. No Shoes. No Homo.
North: A family comedy that makes you wonder why you have a family at all.
Omoo-Omoo the Shark God: Terrible Acting! Baffling Camerawork!
Paparazzi: Bo knows homicide
Passion Play: Thank goodness, helpful Indians!
Perfect Stranger: How Long Can You Stay Awake Watching People Chat Online?
Pink Force Commando: Holy. Living. Fuck.
Plan 9 from Outer Space: Who Did What To the Who Now?
Prometheus: Seventeen idiots shot into space. No way this goes bad.
Quigley: Dog backwards is God. So this is high concept stuff.
Revenge of the Red Baron: It’s Never Over
Samurai Cop: He’s here to chew bubblegum and disrespect Japanese culture… and he’s all out of bubblegum.
Sex Madness: Keep that dick holstered, cowboy. There are laws in this town.
The Spirit: What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? I’m the goddamn Spirit!
Starcrash: A long time ago in a galaxy free of litigation…
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Emotion. Nor Acting Lessons.
Stealth: Fear the Vag
Steel: Man. Basketball. Food. Hammer. Noun.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Some fight for real estate. Some fight for pianos.
Street Trash: Um… so… that happened…
Sucker Punch: You Will Be Unprepared (As With Most Rape)
Superman III: Superman vs. dignity!
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: Superman’s sick, son. We’re just going to have to take him out behind the barn.
Swimfan: Wanna pretend that never happened?
Tiptoes: Midgets, Midgets Everywhere!
Troll 2: The original boogeyman called in sick, so we dressed some midgets in sacks
Tuff Turf: Meet Morgan Hiller. He just wants his bike back.
Twilight: What’s a little pedophilia between friends?
The Twilight Saga: New Moon: Necrophilia or Bestiality: One Girl’s Sexy Choice
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Two men must choose: an unattractive girl or hot, hot gay sex.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1: Forever is only the beginning
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: The epic finale that seems to last forever
Vampire Dentist: You Maniacs! You Did It! You [made Vampire Dentist]! AH, DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
The Vampire Raiders: It’s Ninja vs. Vampire for Control of the Home Owners Association!
Warrior of the Lost World: Only one rider can destroy the Omega Force… and this isn’t him.
The Warrior and the Sorceress: An age of fat guys and grunting lizards… of shin-kicks and inconvenience.
Winter’s Tale: This is not a true story. True stories generally make a lick of sense.
Yor, the Hunter from the Future: He’s the man.
There you have it! A bevy of bad for a (really) long weekend!