A Bad Movie Roundup

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  If you’re anything like me, you love terrible films.  In the bad movie club to which I belong, Yakmala, we’ve watched a lot of truly awful crimes against good taste.  Here are some reviews to keep you nice and warm and maybe pick an enjoyably bad flick to work off that Christmas/New Year hangover.

after_earth_poster1After Earth: Charisma is real. Nepotism is a choice.

After Last Season: *stunned silence*

Alex Cross: Alex Cross is here to promote family values and kick ass. And he’s all out of family.

Ator, the Fighting Eagle:A baby bear was destined to help him marry his sister

The Avengers: Mmm… quite.

Barbarian Queen: Pretty much everyone is going to touch whatever they want

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000: Prepare to go for the exits

Battle of the Year: Maybe one guy is watching, and not for the reasons you’d hope.

The Beaver: He’s the last nail in the coffin of Mel Gibson’s career.

Blood Freak: A Dracula on Thanksgiving!

220px-breakin2Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo: My community center is being torn down to make a shopping mall. I dance for pennies on the street, and spend all of it on day-glo rags and leather gloves. I have no health insurance and have to go to a hospital staffed entirely by strippers. I am the 99%.

Bride of the Monster: Lugosi was paid in morphine. Cheap morphine.

Catwoman: Catch her in a giant cardboard box.

The Cocaine Fiends: The white dust from Walgreens!

Color of Night: One Killer, and No, She Didn’t Gnaw Her Victims to Death With Her Giant Horse Teeth.

The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course: Crappy!

Deathstalker: The Grease of the Pecs… the Creepiness of Everyone…


220px-dreamcatcherposterDevil: Bad things happen because The Sixth Sense made a lot of money.

Diamond Ninja Force: His mustache demanded vengeance…

Double Down: The Bourne Incomprehensibility

Dreamcatcher: Evil Slips Through… Your Bunghole

Escape from Galaxy 3: In space, no one can hear you moan.

Exterminator City: We’re kind of hoping you mix this up with Terminator.

Fantastic Four: Beyond darkness… beyond fear… lies more darkness and some tedium.

Fateful Findings: I’ve been hacking into the most secret government and corporate secrets.

Fireproof: Women Are People Too, Just a Lesser Version

fateful-findings-film-coverFlashdance: Take your passion, and 33% of you will make it happen!

From Justin to Kelly: The embarrassing contractual obligations of two American Idols

Glen or Glenda: The ordinary case of a man who changed his CLOTHES!

Gor: Gor! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Gymkata: The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate, the thrill of lawn care.

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: …is the hand that punches Rebecca De Mornay in the face

The Human Centipede (First Sequence): 100% medically accurate. In Germany.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: Rise and farm

Jaws: The Revenge: This time it’s nonsensical.

Judge Dredd: The team up only 1995 could give us: Stallone and Schneider!

513n7O1fLDL._SY445_Kindergarten Ninja: I can think of two things wrong with that title.

Man of Steel: In the grim darkness of the present, there is only angst.

“Manos” The Hands of Fate: I’m the Master, and I Approved This Message!

The Man Who Saves the World: The Scarecrow was only half right.

Miami Connection: Tae Kwon! Tae Kwon! Tae Kwon Do!

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?: Row for your life, Tori Spelling!

Next: Nicolas Cage owes the government millions of dollars. Let’s see what he’ll do now.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge: Someone is coming on Elm Street’s back!

Ninja III: The Domination: He’s a hopelessly lost psychopath, she just happened to be nearby.

972451ninja-iii-the-domination-postersNinja Thunderbolt: We’re not racist, but…

No Holds Barred: No Shirt. No Shoes. No Homo.

North: A family comedy that makes you wonder why you have a family at all.

Omoo-Omoo the Shark God: Terrible Acting! Baffling Camerawork!

Paparazzi: Bo knows homicide

Passion Play: Thank goodness, helpful Indians!

Perfect Stranger: How Long Can You Stay Awake Watching People Chat Online?

Pink Force Commando: Holy. Living. Fuck.

Plan 9 from Outer Space: Who Did What To the Who Now?

Prometheus: Seventeen idiots shot into space. No way this goes bad.

Quigley: Dog backwards is God. So this is high concept stuff.

poster_of_revenge_of_the_red_baron1Revenge of the Red Baron: It’s Never Over

Samurai Cop: He’s here to chew bubblegum and disrespect Japanese culture… and he’s all out of bubblegum.

Sex Madness: Keep that dick holstered, cowboy. There are laws in this town.

The Spirit: What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? I’m the goddamn Spirit!

Starcrash: A long time ago in a galaxy free of litigation…

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Emotion. Nor Acting Lessons.

Stealth: Fear the Vag

Steel: Man. Basketball. Food. Hammer. Noun.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Some fight for real estate. Some fight for pianos.

superman_ivStreet Trash: Um… so… that happened…

Sucker Punch: You Will Be Unprepared (As With Most Rape)

Superman III: Superman vs. dignity!

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: Superman’s sick, son. We’re just going to have to take him out behind the barn.

Swimfan: Wanna pretend that never happened?

Tiptoes: Midgets, Midgets Everywhere!

Troll 2: The original boogeyman called in sick, so we dressed some midgets in sacks

Tuff Turf: Meet Morgan Hiller. He just wants his bike back.

Twilight: What’s a little pedophilia between friends?

vampire-raiders-ninja-queenThe Twilight Saga: New Moon: Necrophilia or Bestiality: One Girl’s Sexy Choice

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Two men must choose: an unattractive girl or hot, hot gay sex.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1: Forever is only the beginning

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: The epic finale that seems to last forever

Vampire Dentist: You Maniacs! You Did It! You [made Vampire Dentist]! AH, DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

The Vampire Raiders: It’s Ninja vs. Vampire for Control of the Home Owners Association!

Warrior of the Lost World: Only one rider can destroy the Omega Force… and this isn’t him.

The Warrior and the Sorceress: An age of fat guys and grunting lizards… of shin-kicks and inconvenience.

Winter’s Tale: This is not a true story. True stories generally make a lick of sense.

Yor, the Hunter from the Future: He’s the man.

There you have it!  A bevy of bad for a (really) long weekend!

About Justin

Author, mammal. www.captainsupermarket.com
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