A Lifetime Roundup

It’s the week of Comic-Con and I’ve got stuff to do. It sounds to me like it’s time for everyone to learn a few lessons about life, taught by the network who took that as their name. That’s right. It’s time for Lifetime Theater.

An Amish Murder: Two great tastes that taste great together.

Anna Nicole: A tawdry sex symbol extends her 15 minutes of fame.

On Strike for Christmas: A passive aggressive protest is the best way to celebrate.

Playdate: New neighbors signal trouble for the perfect family.

Flowers in the Attic: The first installment of the Dollanganger saga lacks an identity.

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax: and might or might not have given her mother forty whacks.

The Bad Son: He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write, he murders redheads…

Death Clique: Lesbians are the biggest dangers facing today’s teens.

Petals on the Wind: The second installment of the Dollanganger saga ramps up the crazy.

Blue-Eyed Butcher: Lifetime subverts every trope in this insane true crime story.

The Craigslist Killer: That title is only barely accurate.

Talhotblond: One of the best Lifetime movies out there.

Drew Peterson: Untouchable: Rob Lowe is the King of Lifetime.

PopFan: Lifetime does Stephen King.

The Assault: The cheerleader, the cheerleader, the cheerleader’s on fire!

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever: We’re through the looking glass here, people.

Big Driver: Lifetime does Stephen King, only this time with royalties.

Foreclosed: Jamie Kennedy vs. Marlee Matlin.

Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy: This whole country’s out of order!

Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret: Everyone is a jerk!

If There Be Thorns: The third installment of the Dollanganger saga gets weird.

The Nightmare Nanny: The middle-aged middle-class bogeyman.

A Deadly Adoption: Some of the funniest people on the planet get serious.

Seeds of Yesterday: The Dollanganger saga concludes.

Gone Missing: Sure, we’re just having unexplained psychic powers now.

A Sister’s Nightmare: Lifetime pulls off a halfway decent twist.

Liz & Dick: Lindsay Lohan is Liz Taylor.

Amish Grace: Not as much fun as the title implies.

No One Would Tell: A story from Lifetime’s Mesozoic Era.

Jim Henson’s Turkey Hollow: Thanksgiving is saved by a monster Voltron.

Beautiful & Twisted: Rob Lowe vs. Paz Vega

Virtual Lies: This HotStuff26 might be trouble.

Into Dangerous Territory: Meth bears. You heard me.

Driven Underground: Kristy Swanson flees the mob.

Killing Daddy: Gotta get that sweet insurance money somehow.

In God’s Country: Maybe knock it off with the child brides?

The Wife He Met Online: Oh no, internet dating!

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?: The classic gets remade with lesbian vampires.

Blue Seduction: The fuck did I just watch?


About Justin

Author, mammal. www.captainsupermarket.com
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