It’s the week of Comic-Con and I’ve got stuff to do. It sounds to me like it’s time for everyone to learn a few lessons about life, taught by the network who took that as their name. That’s right. It’s time for Lifetime Theater.
An Amish Murder: Two great tastes that taste great together.
Anna Nicole: A tawdry sex symbol extends her 15 minutes of fame.
On Strike for Christmas: A passive aggressive protest is the best way to celebrate.
Playdate: New neighbors signal trouble for the perfect family.
Flowers in the Attic: The first installment of the Dollanganger saga lacks an identity.
Lizzie Borden Took an Ax: and might or might not have given her mother forty whacks.
The Bad Son: He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write, he murders redheads…
Death Clique: Lesbians are the biggest dangers facing today’s teens.
Petals on the Wind: The second installment of the Dollanganger saga ramps up the crazy.
Blue-Eyed Butcher: Lifetime subverts every trope in this insane true crime story.
The Craigslist Killer: That title is only barely accurate.
Talhotblond: One of the best Lifetime movies out there.
Drew Peterson: Untouchable: Rob Lowe is the King of Lifetime.
PopFan: Lifetime does Stephen King.
The Assault: The cheerleader, the cheerleader, the cheerleader’s on fire!
Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever: We’re through the looking glass here, people.
Big Driver: Lifetime does Stephen King, only this time with royalties.
Foreclosed: Jamie Kennedy vs. Marlee Matlin.
Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy: This whole country’s out of order!
Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret: Everyone is a jerk!
If There Be Thorns: The third installment of the Dollanganger saga gets weird.
The Nightmare Nanny: The middle-aged middle-class bogeyman.
A Deadly Adoption: Some of the funniest people on the planet get serious.
Seeds of Yesterday: The Dollanganger saga concludes.
Gone Missing: Sure, we’re just having unexplained psychic powers now.
A Sister’s Nightmare: Lifetime pulls off a halfway decent twist.
Liz & Dick: Lindsay Lohan is Liz Taylor.
Amish Grace: Not as much fun as the title implies.
No One Would Tell: A story from Lifetime’s Mesozoic Era.
Jim Henson’s Turkey Hollow: Thanksgiving is saved by a monster Voltron.
Beautiful & Twisted: Rob Lowe vs. Paz Vega
Virtual Lies: This HotStuff26 might be trouble.
Into Dangerous Territory: Meth bears. You heard me.
Driven Underground: Kristy Swanson flees the mob.
Killing Daddy: Gotta get that sweet insurance money somehow.
In God’s Country: Maybe knock it off with the child brides?
The Wife He Met Online: Oh no, internet dating!
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?: The classic gets remade with lesbian vampires.
Blue Seduction: The fuck did I just watch?