Girls, Guns and G-Strings: The Dallas Connection

Even the poster design is incompetent.

Cast: The IMDB trivia page of this movie points out that it is unclear as to whether this is a sequel or a soft reboot of Enemy Gold. That’s right, people are unaware how this softcore porn movie fits in with the rest of its increasingly convoluted (and sometimes ethnically baffling) universe.

Bruce Penhall and Mark Barriere return as Chris Cannon and Mark Austin in their final appearances of the franchise. They’re just as devoid of personality as always, and sadly Penhall has given up his penchant for black leather vests.

Julie Strain, Rodrigo Obregon, Cassidy Phillips, Gerald Okamura, and Ron Browning are all back in different roles. Strain brings her unique mix of inert acting and the ability to always look like she walked off the set of a Whitesnake video to the role of Black Widow, an assassin who likes to fuck her victims (or at least sort of dance around them) before the murder. Cassidy Phillips, who electrified the world with his role as Thug #1 in Enemy Gold, plays her assistant Platter Puss. Yep. Platter Puss. He’s often just referred to as “Puss.” Rodrigo Obregon, who has been in almost ever one of these things, is Argentine scientist Antonio Morales. Gerald Okamura, who loyal readers might remember from the classic Samurai Cop, appears here as king fu assassin Fu. Browning, who was Slash in Enemy Gold, here plays Ron, chiefly identifiable by has flowing old-man mullet.

Non-Actor Quotient: Two Penthouse Pets of the Month make their first appearances. Samantha Phillips plays Samantha Maxx (June 1993), who seems to be the same role as Ava Noble, down to her romance with Mark, which lends some credence to the soft reboot hypothesis. Julie K. Smith (February 1993) plays the assassin Cobra, and yes, she introduces herself like this. December 1991 Playboy Playmate of the Month Wendy Hamilton plays the final assassin, Scorpion. Lastly, some guy named Roland Marcus plays Nicholas Lang (the Lucas role), and since he seems to be reading off cue cards the whole time and this is his only IMDB credit, I’m assuming he’s a non-actor.

IMDB Plot Keywords: assassin, sex in bed, breasts, female assassin, racial stereotype

IMDB User Lists Appearing On: Movies/TV Shows I Own, My Library, My movies, 90’s Action Movies: Best and Worst, List of Hindi Dubbed Movies

Synopsis: Like Enemy Gold, The Dallas Connection was directed by Drew Sidaris, the Fredo to Andy’s Vito. He’s just not as good an auteur-of-sleaze as his old man. He pads roughly a half hour of plot (45 minutes with the sex/shower scenes) into a full length film. There are pointless shots of wildlife, long scenes of boats zipping around, and in one case, exposition of something that we already saw. Twice.

The film introduces us to three assassins doing what they do best. Black Widow has sex with a man in Paris, then shoots him. Cobra uses the most ubiquitous of Sidaris tools — the RC car loaded with explosives — to blow up a man in South Africa. Scorpion uses an exploding golf ball to kill a man in Hong Kong. These three were scientists, all working on this satellite array which will let America see all the weapons and nuclear sites from all over the world. The last scientist, Antonio Morales, is coming to Dallas from Buenos Aires to be protected. I have absolutely no idea why scientists from France, China, Argentina, and South Africa would care about America’s safety, but there you go.

These four scientists each had separate computer chips integral to the satellite’s functioning, but the chips are already in I/WAR — the vague-yet-heroic government agency that provides the good guys — hands. There’s some silliness about a meteor shower enhancing the satellite’s detection power, so that’s the ticking clock, but no one cares. Samantha Maxx, agent of I/WAR (the International/World Arms Removal) is told to gather her team, which consists of Chris, Mark, and this other guy Tom, to protect the final scientist: Dr. Morales. As soon as he arrives, he’s nearly killed by Cobra and Puss doing a drive-by.

I/WAR brings Morales in to brief him, along with his bodyguard Ron (who I called “Mullet Guy” in my notes since I don’t think he’s ever named). When Samantha sends them out of the room, Ron plants a bug under the table. There is entirely too much intrigue in this movie about naked people. Anyway, the plan is to use Morales as bait to draw out the assassins. That’s only the first part of this terrible plan. Those super important chips that I/WAR has? Well, instead of locking them up in a vault, they give them to agents who are constantly having sex with whoever to wear around their necks. Yep. No way those get stolen. There’s a big deal made of who gets which one (Tom gets South Africa, Samantha gets France, Mark gets China, and Chris gets Argentina), but it doesn’t come to anything.

Well, it doesn’t take long. Cobra seduces Chris, and after the longest and most explicit sex scene in the series to date, drugs him and swaps his chip with a dummy. Scorpion seduces Mark — he protests for like half a second that he’s in a relationship — before deciding that Scorpion is super hot. She tases him before things get too serious though. Also, and there’s nowhere else to put this, but Scorpion spends the whole scene in a day-glow green one-piece bathing suit (with thong) and thigh-high black leather boots. God, the ‘90s were weird. Anyway, she swaps the chips and gets out of there. Black Widow, Platter Puss, and Fu break into I/War’s headquarters. Fu, intent on proving that even Asian guys will do white guy karate, murders Tom and takes his chip. Black Widow kills Lang, because fuck that guy. Lastly, the whole group easily kidnaps Samantha (and her chip).

Yep. Scorpion looked in her closet and chose that. Somehow.

The next day, Chris and Mark slowly realize something’s wrong and painstakingly begin to gather clues. They quickly learn the bullets used in the drive-by were blanks. Then they learn that Samantha’s been kidnapped and Tom’s been killed. They head to Cowboy’s, where all three evil assassins have been stripping for no real reason (and where Morales and thus Tom, the agent assigned to him, were hanging out), and question the choreographer. Yes, there’s a choreographer at this place. She gives them the very convenient clue that the bad guys were going to meet Samantha at this house on a lake. It’s obviously a trap, but Chris and Mark are idiots, so they go.

The bad guys gather at the house, and who’s the leader? Morales! Yep, he’s evil. Hey, this qualifies as a masterful plot twist for this series. I wonder how many masturbators had their minds utterly blown. Anyway, he loads the chips into the computer to… do something evil, I guess. I don’t really know. The computer accepts each chip until it gets to the one Cobra got from Chris, and it refuses. Yes, Cobra was a good guy the whole time! Can you believe it? Thought your mind was blown before, huh? I swear, this is like film noir for morons. Anyway, Morales suspected Cobra’s treachery and plays a video of the scientist in South Africa being murdered and yep, he managed to climb out of the car before the explosion. But then it doesn’t matter because Morales sensibly cloned his chip so his evil plan (whatever that might be) will still work.

Chris and Mark show up right about here, and Puss goes out to kill them. And they just shoot poor Puss right the fuck dead. Black Widow heads out, but not before issuing an order to the room to “rape these bitches [Cobra and Samantha] and kill them!  I know I would.” Wow. That’s… uh… wow. An unarmed Ron drags Samantha outside, and let me pause here for a moment. Do you have any idea what would happen to an unarmed man who laid a hand on Taryn or Nicole, let alone the seething cauldron of righteous rage that is Donna? That man would be so dead, so fast. Donna would probably invent a new way to blow him up, just so the lesson was really learned. Samantha? She just gets dragged outside like a ragdoll.

Cobra recoils in horror from the script.

Mark chases the fleeing Black Widow and Morales, while Chris goes after Fu. Scorpion is about to shoot Mark, but he shoots her in the arm. Then he apologizes and bandages her. What. The. Fuck. I’m finding myself longing for the old-school feminism of Hard Ticket to Hawaii or Savage Beach and that is just fucked up. Now Mark faces off against Ron for some reason who tells him to drop the gun or he’ll break Samantha’s neck. Mark obeys, and Ron drops Samantha. Mark then does some karate, instead of, I don’t know, picking up his fucking gun and killing Ron now that Samantha is safe. Well, Scorpion has figured out where her bread is buttered, and she wastes Ron.

Chris runs out of ammo, then kills Fu with a grenade, begging the question — why didn’t he open with the grenade? Oh well. He does manage to spew a racist line at the dead guy though, so that’s something. “Shoulda read your fortune cookie!” Oh fuck you, Chris.

Black Widow and Morales get to a boat, but here comes Cobra with an RC boat loaded with explosives. Then something amazing happens. She hits the big boat with hers, and Black Widow appears to spontaneously combust on the deck and only after that does the whole boat explode. Also, the bag with all the computer chips flies unharmed from he explosion to land at Cobra and Samantha’s feet. Sigh.

Yakmala? Yes. Though not very good Yakmala.