Food & Wine Thursdays: Talhotblond, the Cocktail

I recently had the (mis)fortune of watching Talhotblond, the Courteney Cox-directed Lifetime Original Movie retelling of the documentary of the same name which told the story of the Internet Chatroom Murder from the mid-200s. In this tragic tale of suburban Internet love-gone-wrong, a 47 year-old married man posing as an 18 year-old boy develops an online relationship with an 18 year-old girl while his 22 year-old co-worker does the same thing. In a fit of jealous rage, the 47 year-old murders the 22 year-old, only to finally discover that the 18 year-old girl named “Jessi” was actually Jessi’s mother posing as her daughter which I’m sure is not an indication of some sort of deeply-rooted childhood trauma.

Despite virtuosic performances from Garret Dillahunt and Laura San Giacomo, the movie is really shitty. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make a cocktail inspired by it! So, I now present to you Talhotblond the Cocktail.

Ingredients:

• Macallan (or similar) 18 year-old Scotch (you can use a younger Scotch, but you might get arrested for it)
• Vodka
• Limoncello
• Egg White
• Flamed lemon twist (garnish)

Carefully rinse the inside of a chilled martini glass with a half-ounce of the Scotch. In a shaker filled with ice, add 2 ounces vodka, 1 ounce Limoncello, and the egg white. Shake vigorously and strain into the martini glass. Flame the lemon twist and drop into the glass. Enjoy quietly alone in a dark room while regretting your shameful past.

So why these ingredients? The 18 year-old Scotch represents the titillating promise of barely-legal youth while also imparting a smokey layer of deception and surprise. The vodka/Limoncello combination suggests the flaxen locks of the mysterious Jessi and the egg white creates a topping of agitated frothy desire the obscures the real drink which lies beneath. And the lemon twist? I was just going to garnish the drink with a regular twist, but then I remembered that this was a TalHOTblond, hence flaming the twist before dropping it in. Get it? Oh, and here’s how to flame a citrus twist.

Justin and Erik, you’re welcome.