Girls, Guns, and G-Strings: Enemy Gold

Cast: Enemy Gold (1993) features some of the same performers as previous entries in the series, but they’re all playing new characters. It’s also the first one written and directed by Andy’s son (and frequent cameo haver) Drew Sidaris. So I’m choosing to interpret this installment as an alternate universe what-if, because if there’s one thing softcore porn needs, it’s convoluted metaphysical backstory.

Bruce Penhall, who has been with the series since Picasso Trigger, and has been playing agent and leather vest enthusiast Bruce Christian since Savage Beach, returns playing the very Bruce Christiany role of secret agent and leather vest enthusiast Chris Cannon. His partner, Mark Austin is played by Mark Barriere, who previously played Russian beefcake Gregor in Fit to Kill.

Suzi Simpson is the Donna/Taryn/Nicole of Becky Midnite, a frequently nude agent obsessed with showering. Although, to be fair, everyone in this movie is obsessed with showering.

Tai Collins plays Ava Noble, who is the Lucas role here of everybody’s boss.

The bad guys are Sidarisverse regulars Rodrigo Obregon, playing Santiago, the Bolivian drug dealer, and Julie Strain as… wait for it… JEWELL PANTHER. That is fucking right. Whatever scale there was to measure Sidaris names has just been irrevocably fucking shattered, because there’s someone named Jewell Fucking Panther in this thing.

Non-Actor Quotient: Strain, of course, has her background in Penthouse, while Suzi Simpson represents the Playboy side of that particular pillow fight. Mark Barriere has a Playboy video on his CV, and I’m not sure what to do with that. Tai Collins was most famous for, no shit, an affair with Senator Chuck Robb, and later appeared in Playboy, because men are gross. Lastly, playmate Kym Malin returns after a lengthy absence in the thankless role of Cowboy’s Hostess. I will not be mentioning her in the synopsis, so that should give you an idea of how important her part is.

IMDB Plot Keywords: gold, lingerie, lust, no panties, sexual attraction

IMDB User Lists Appearing On: DVD Collection, Movies I’ve Seen, Series – Lethal Ladies, Server, DVD collection (yes, it’s on two different lists called DVD Collection — one is capitalized, the other isn’t. I feel you need to know this.)

Synopsis: This begins as the most ambitious of the entire series, opening with a Civil War-era flashback, and then actually using camera angles that you wouldn’t see on any given episode of Facts of Life. Then about ten minutes in, everyone realized they had about a half hour of story they needed to stretch to feature-length. The worst part? They didn’t even pad it the way you’re supposed to with softcore porn! Oh, there are several gratuitous sex scenes, but they’re relatively short. You know, so we can get back to the good stuff.

The Civil War opening establishes that the Confederate guerrilla William Quantrill hijacked a Union shipment of gold and hid it somewhere in Texas. Then the movie forgets about this for what feels like several hours.

Becky Midnite gets off a plane and goes to see Chris Cannon and Mark Austin who are in the middle of an ‘80s weapon-loading montage. They’re about to go raid some drug dealers, and Becky joins up because she has fuck all else to do. They roll up on an encampment where two 50 year old dudes with frizzy mullets are doing some white guy karate with an audience of a pair of men who can only be described as boy band hillbillies. The good guys find the drugs, kill the boy band hillbillies, and arrest the old men (who the credits informed me are named Rip and Slash). A superior agent, the appropriately named Dickson, is mad because they didn’t have a warrant and they straight up murdered two guys. He’s not wrong here. But they say they’re loyal to Agent Noble.

It cuts over to DC, and we meet Agent Noble, right before shower time. We cut away before she does anything else, because who needs character? No, I’m seriously asking here. Agent Dickson goes to a strip club — Cowboy’s — where cranky drug dealer Santiago is upset about his men being killed and his shipment seized. They threaten each other a lot, really just establishing that they’re working together but not terribly happy about it. Then Santiago goes to take a shower with his dancers. Yep. That’s two showers already.

Agent Noble gets called into a meeting and informed that her entire team (which includes Becky, who just showed up) is suspended. The agent giving the news might be the worst actor I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just making his mouth move with peanut butter and dubbing in dialogue recorded by a survivor of extreme brain trauma. Noble gives the news to Becky, Chris, and Mark, and they decide to go camping, and possibly have a Devil’s Threesome. Mark and Chris are psyched, not for the prospect of their dicks finally touching, but because they used to go out in the woods and search for Quantrill’s gold.

Jewell Panther arrives into the movie like a valkyrie from a Ratt video. She’s an assassin hired by Santiago to kill the good guys in retaliation for the raid. Rip and Slash (out of jail because, hey, no warrant!) want the chance to kill the heroes, but Panther’s a pro. Dickson is also there, and Santiago threatens to take his gun away and shove it up his ass. So at this point, I’m pretending Santiago is a relative of The Jesus. The villains, using a bug planted by Dickson, determine that the heroes are camping and decide to kill them out there.

The balls are a dead giveaway.

And good god, the camping scenes. This is half the fucking movie, and it’s basically just people wandering around. The heroes stumble across Quantrill’s gold when Becky goes off into the woods to relieve herself and nearly pees on a skeleton and the next clue comes when Rip (or maybe Slash) accidentally runs into a tree and kills himself. There’s a lot of talk about this Hunter’s Lodge too, and Chris mentions that it has a shower, so you know what’s going to happen. It’s like Drew Sidaris needs nudity at all times, but can’t think of another scenario in which it might happen.

Then there’s this bizarre interlude where Jewell Panther dresses up like a Heavy Metal cover and does some sword poses around a campfire. The best part is Santiago watches with this “…the fuck?” look on his face. Yeah, dude, I don’t know either.

Rip and Slash attack the cabin (in defiance of their orders) and are killed. The heroes find the gold only to be captured by Santiago and Panther. Ava shows up to help, but she ends up going with Dickson, and she just gets captured too. There’s a shootout, and somehow the heroes wind up winning. Santiago and Panther try to escape in a helicopter, but anyone who’s ever watched this series knows that helicopters are fucking death traps. Sure enough, Ava shoots it with an exploding arrow, killing both bad guys.

Yakmala? This is the worst of the series thus far. While many of the others have long periods of inactivity, this one takes it to the next level. This movie makes boobs boring. While that technically marks a failure of intent, since it also fails to be entertaining, I’ll say no.