Fit to Kill (1993)
Cast: Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez, Bruce Penhall, RJ Moore, Tony Peck, Cynthia Brimhall, Ava Cadell, Carolyn Liu, and Michael Shane are all back as (respectively) Donna Hamilton, Nicole Justin, Bruce Christian, Kane, Lucas, Edy Stark, Ava, Silk, and Shane Abilene.
Other Sidaris regulars return as well in different(?) roles. Rodrigo Obregon gets a blond dye-job and repurposes his Hispanic accent as Russian in the role of diplomat Mikael Petrov. Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave are back as yet another (or possibly the same) pair of dimwitted assassins, this time codenamed Evel and Knievel. Skip Ward also returns as Skip, another guy who looks the same and has the same name who dies in a fiery explosion. I like to think it’s the same person doomed to this pointless existence by a heartless deity. Skip, trapped in a hell even Dante could not conceive. Brett Baxter Clark is also back as the yacht captain, but this time he gets a name (Burke) and a sex scene (weird), so that’s a promotion.
Julie Strain, who will later become a more important part of the Sidarisverse, plays the villainous assassin Blu Steele, and yes, I can’t type that without giggling.
Non-Actor Quotient: Playmates Speir, Vasquez, and Brimhall, of course, along with Ava the “loveologist.” The role of “Becky,” or the fried-blonde who hangs out topless at the station so Shane can sleaze all over her has been replaced by Sandra, played by Sandra Wild. I’m not sure if Wild is a non-actor or not, but she’s certainly not very good at it, and there are a ton of Playboy videos on her IMDB page. Julie Strain, though she has a ton of titles on her CV, got her start in the pages of Penthouse, as their 1993 Pet of the Year. I feel like this is a step down for Sidaris.
IMDB Plot Keywords: diamond, red panties, nude, lingerie, erotic thriller
IMDB User Lists Appearing On: …And The Ugly of the 1990s, All the movies I’ve seen, Terrible Movies I’ve Seen or Want to See, DVDs and Blu-Rays I Own, Owned Movies on DVD
Synopsis: During a wargame, Donna and Nicole soundly defeat Bruce and Shane, but let their guard down when the perceived danger passes. This allows Lucas, using the new RC helicopter designed by Dr. Emerson (I guess they lost the previous one) to surprise and fake kill them. In a normal movie, this would be where we learn whenever problem the main character would spend the movie getting over, but that’s not how Andy Sidaris works. He just wanted to show off this cool helicopter.
Meanwhile, a weird lady (who we later find out has the not-at-all made up name of Blu Steele) is on a roof in Vegas doing warrior poses while dressed in something from Frank Frazetta’s yard sale. It looks like the intention is that she’s doing T’ai chi, but got it mixed up with yoga and body-building. She puts on something else equally ridiculous and heads downstairs to assassinate Kane. It’s worth noting that all of Kane’s Japaneseness has been completely forgotten; he’s now “Martin Kane” and there’s no mention of him once looking exactly like Pat Morita. Anyway, she fails because Kane was ready for her. Instead of killing her, he asks her out.
The good guys meet up at K-SXY radio for a meeting. Harris Chang, a Chinese national, is throwing a party at his estate on Maui. He’s going to return the Alexa Diamond to the Russians that was looted by the Nazis. The good guys are going to make sure nothing goes wrong.
Kane and Blu have dinner. We get a Previously, on Girls, Guns and G-Strings recap. Basically, Genghis Po, the guy who wanted the Klystron Relay from the last movie (and didn’t get it because Donna blew it up along with Raven and his cool gyrocopter), got so mad he hired Blu to kill Kane. Kane has a better idea: they should work together and steal Chang’s diamond. The first step is, of course, remote-controlled helicopter based. Blu buys the technology from Emerson, then instantly kills him with it. He really should have seen that coming.
Everyone gathers at a big party, and this is as good a time to mention as any, but the music this time around is awful. It sounds like a drunk guy trying to fuck a song out of a calliope. Chang tells the story of the Alexa Diamond, complete with some black and white stock footage. It’s bizarre. Kane flirts pretty hard with Donna before heading upstairs for the deal. Donna follows, but that’s all part of the plan. Kane kisses Donna (allowing Blu to photograph it), then they chloroform her, steal the diamond, and finally Blu chloroforms Kane, setting him up as just another victim.
Hey, for Sidaris, that’s practically Ocean’s Eleven.
You might be wondering what Shane Abilene is up to. He spends all his time hitting on Sandra. That’s it. In a continuity nod, he has the gun from Malibu Express, complete with the holstein case. At this point, the Abilenes really are nothing but the vestigial tale on the carnival freak that is this series.
After Kane escapes, he recruits Evel and Knievel to kill Lucas and Edy. There’s some reference to them being the same guys as before (except in Guns when they were killed). Kane explains that he doesn’t expect these two chuckleheads to succeed (which begs the question: why not hire someone who can?), he just wants them as distractions. They are that for about five minutes before blowing themselves up and getting arrested.
Donna suspects Kane because she’s seen the last two movies. She breaks into his boat at the exact time that Genghis Po’s people are doing the same. Blu reveals she’s still on Po’s payroll when she pistol whips Silk and kills Burke (doubly cruel considering all that time and effort he put into that analingus she appeared to enjoy). Now Po has Kane and Donna hostage, and reveals that the diamond Kane stole is a fake. Chang was never going to return the Alexa Diamond!
Kane reveals his origin story to Donna. He is the descendent of the guy who originally stole the diamond. Chang killed Kane’s family and took the diamond from there. This has to be the first time anyone tried to get sympathy by revealing a Nazi relative. Kane got rich and powerful just so he could kill Chang. Po takes both hostages to Chang’s estate, and things go pear-shaped. Po kills Chang and his men, and conveniently Bruce and Nicole show up to save Donna.
Sidaris then gives us the scene he’s probably been dying to make since the beginning: a dogfight between two RC helicopters. Donna, controlling the good guy one, wins. She then destroys the boat which Blu and Po were fleeing on.
In the very end, Donna remarks that while she believes Kane will go straight after this, she will be ready for him in the future. This strange comment becomes even stranger if the trivia on the IMDB is to be believed: that this was intended as the final GG&G movie. There are four more, but they will carry on without Dona Speir. This was her seventh and final Sidaris movie, setting a record no one will ever break.
Yakmala? Kane’s Bond-themed fantasy sequence is a bizarre interlude, but nothing has managed to touch the inspired weirdness of Hard Ticket to Hawaii.