Girls, Guns, and G-Strings: Hard Hunted

Donna & Nicole vs. Gyrocopter

Hard Hunted (1992)

Cast: Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez, Bruce Penhall, Cynthia Brimhall, and Michael Shane all return as their veteran agent characters Donna Hamilton, Nicole Justin, Bruce Christian, Edy Stark, and Shane Abilene. You know them, you love maybe one or two of them.

RJ Moore plays a character named Kane, and it took me awhile to figure out that this is intended to be the very same Kane from Do or Die. You remember him, the one played by Pat Morita, who was always grinding on much younger girlfriend Silk (Carolyn Liu, reprising the role). Only instead of being an old and Japanese, he’s young and British. And it’s never mentioned. I’m going to assume he got a ton of plastic surgery and drank a couple gallons of unicorn blood.

Lucas has also been recast. The role is now played by alleged actor and registered sex offender lookalike Tony Peck.

Sidaris regulars Al Leong and Rodrigo Obregon return, playing brand new characters Raven and Pico. Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave are also back, once again playing a pair of dimwitted assassins, this time named Wiley and Coyote. Yeah, I’m sorry too. I initially though these were the same characters as in previous entries Guns and Do or Die, but then I remembered Bruce and Nicole killed them in a ladies room in the former. So I guess they’re like clones or something. Useless asshole clones.

Non-Actor Quotient: Because Sidaris hasn’t singled them out in the credits as such since Malibu Express, I’m going to stop as well. Actually, I’m going to expand this to include all of the various kinds of non-actors Sidaris was (in)famous for putting in his movies. Speir, Vasquez, and Brimhall are the only Playmates in this installment, but there are so many other oddballs lurking about.

Ava Cadell is, no shit, a Hungarian-born “loveologist” with seven books under her belt. In Do or Die, she played one of the ill-fated assassins. Confusingly, her partner Skip (played by Skip Ward — Andy Sidaris was not good with names) plays a completely different character also named Skip. This time, Ava is a good guy agent whose cover as a radio sex therapist lets her deliver poorly-coded messages to our heroes.

Buzzy Kerbox, whose name suggests his parents thought he was some kind of mail delivery system, was a professional surfer and male model. Here he plays double-agent Cole with all the nuance you would expect from a professional surfer and male model.

And lastly, Becky Mullen plays Becky, a woman whose only job is to stand in the background of shots wearing a variety of bikinis. She’s joined by Shane, who spends most of the movie hammocked up. There’s some kind of romance brewing between the two, and there’s even a background breakup. It’s like that one Community where Abed delivers a baby. Anyway, Mullen was part of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, which was a thing that happened and we all have to live with that.

IMDB Plot Keywords: lust, nude girl, nude, sequel, scantily clad female

IMDB User Lists Appearing On: Movies I want to see only because of erotic scenes, My movies, Your Worst Choice Movies 1990-1999, My Grindhouse, Owned Movies on DVD

Synopsis: We open on a yacht where the newly young and Caucasian Kane has a threeway with girlfriend Silk and this new lady we find out later is fellow agent Mika. It’s pretty risqué girl-on-girl stuff for the early ‘90s, by which I mean at one point Silk kisses Mika on the cheek. Later on, Kane gets a Jade Buddha as a gift from his friends in China and declares it the most valuable artifact in the world. Mika steals it out of the safe and gets a ride back to land from windsurfer Cole.

Mika panics that her cover’s been blown and… did she not realize that would happen when Kane finds that his safe’s been blown open, the Jade Buddha has been stolen, and Mika’s gone? What was her play here? Anyway, she gets some guidance over the radio from Ava, sending her to Arizona to meet up with Donna and Nicole.

At a briefing in DC, Lucas reveals that the Jade Buddha contains the Klystron Relay which is basically a trigger for a nuke. This is super important. Once, Lucas was content to merely bother Kane… now he has to shut him down!

Cole returns to the yacht, revealing that he’s a double agent. Okay, then why did he get Mika to the airport? Why not just not show up? Or tell Kane that Mika was plotting against him? I probably shouldn’t be picking out logic gaps in early ‘90s spank material, but I am what I am. Cole reveals that Mika’s in Arizona, and Kane has an incredible response. “I have a contact in Arizona. He’s reliable. He’s Asian.”

That reliable Asian contact is Al Leong, the henchman from every ‘80s movie ever. Here he plays Raven, a guy in a rising sun headband who gets around in what looks like a gyrocopter covered in stealth panels. He zips over and kills Mika right as she finds Donna and Nicole’s campsite. They get the Buddha and escape in a dune buggy. Their plan? Get back to homebase, which is Molokai, Hawaii. Why even go to Arizona if they’re just going right back? Maybe Sidaris wanted a paid trip to Sedona.

That’s Raven on the left.

As Donna and Nicole land, Kane’s men are waiting for them. Ava’s “coded” messages are so transparent, they’re lucky the entire surviving rogue’s gallery isn’t waiting, including that weird guy who lives on the island. After a shootout, the bad guys succeed in tasing Donna and throwing her on a plane. At some point during the flight, they wake Donna up and Kane (over the radio) informs her that she’s going to be thrown out of the plane. And then Donna does something fucking awesome. She kicks one guy’s ass and throws him out of the plane, grabs a parachute and a grenade, pulls the pin, drops it at the pilot’s feet and jumps. The plane explodes.

That. Was. Rad.

That’s the limit on coolness, as she lands on an island, headfirst onto a rock. A group of survivalists led by eyepatched Pico finds her unconscious body. When Donna finally comes to, she has amnesia. Only she seems to have forgotten how to talk as well. It’s weird. Cole arrives on the island to negotiate for Donna and the Jade Buddha still in her possession.

Somehow Nicole and Bruce know which island Donna is on and fly there as part of a rescue mission. They kill all of Pico’s guys, but Cole escapes on a jetski with Donna. He then uses her amnesia to commit rape by fraud. It’s creepy and wrong. Fortunately, Donna has her radio on afterwards, and it’s tuned to K-SXY and Ava’s show. The ridiculously obvious “codes” remind Donna of who she is and she goes full Voorhees on him, by which I mean she stabs him to death with a fucking machete. Do not fuck with Donna.

Donna reunites with Nicole and Bruce right as Raven shows up in his gyrocopter. Raven manages to get the Jade Buddha, but Donna is back in full badass mode and shoots his copter out of the goddamn sky. Kane gets away, though not with the Klystron Relay. The world is safe once again!

Yakmala? The movie more or less works as it’s intended to, which I believe is as an action movie first and a softcore nudie flick second. Granted, it’s not very good at either one, but sadly lacks the spark of insanity apparent in the best Yakmala films.