Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s holiday celebrating several different early Christian martyrs, none of whom were particularly known for their conversation hearts, with the exception of their utterances of “ouch” shortly before being nailed to the cross and speared through.
Nevertheless, tomorrow night is the night where misguided couples angrily wonder why the restaurant is so crowded and where their server is, completely ruining the mood for later when instead you’ll just sit on the couch in your pajamas and fall asleep into a carton of ice cream while the Winter Olympics drone on. Make sure to get that BJ in the car on the way to the restaurant, buddy. Just sayin’.
After years of working as a waiter on Valentine’s Day, here’s my advice: stay the fuck home. Grab some high-end takeaway from Whole Foods or your local gourmet market, light some candles, uncork some bottles of wine, and get naked with your special someone.
But what wines to uncork before you pork, you ask?
- For me, Verdejo is perhaps the sexiest of all the white wine varietals, not least of all because certain very high quality, rich examples actually kinda smell like sex in the best of all possible ways: like a combination of subtle perfume, freshly washed skin, and sweat. This crisp Spanish varietal can be found at most wine shops and, served nicely chilled, is the perfect opener for the evening.
- But what to follow your Verdejo with? How about a Gamay from France? Beaujolais might be a little too dirty and serious for this stage of the game–we’re still just fooling around–but the light, blueberry and slate tinged examples from the Northern Loire Valley will be perfect when paired with a shoulder massage, eating edamame off your lover’s stomach, and a slow, gentle fingerbang.
- Time for the main course? Nothing says it’s time for a rare steak and an hour of combining parts in every possible way than a California Zinfandel. My personal favorites hail from the northern reaches of our fair state, especially Mendocino County, where the grapes tend toward the spicy and earthy instead of the unctuous and jammy.
- As a special reward for that Valentine’s Night treat, why not wrap up the evening with that romantic favorite, a dry rose sparkling wine? Because nothing says “I let you do things to me that I don’t even want my cat to see…because I enjoyed it so much,” then a cold flute of pink bubbles smudged with sticky fingerprints.
- Finally, while you’re bathing in the afterglow and trying to get up the initiative to change the sheets, why not share a glass of Tawny Port and a couple pieces of dark chocolate? Like everything that’s in your bed, I recommend a Port that is at least 10 years old, preferably 20 to avoid getting into trouble with the TTB or the local authorities. Who knows, maybe if the Port is good enough you’ll hold off on changing those sheets and go for Round Two.
Happy Valentine’s Day!