Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you’re anything like me, you love terrible films. In the bad movie club to which I belong, Yakmala, we’ve watched a lot of truly awful crimes against celluloid. Here are some reviews to keep you nice and warm and maybe pick an enjoyably bad flick to work off that New Year hangover.
After Last Season: One of the strangest things I have ever seen.
Ator, the Fighting Eagle: A swords and sorcery would-be epic that’s totally cool with incest.
The Avengers: John Steed and Emma Peel stage an informal contest over who can give less of a shit.
Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000: Aliens vs. cavemen in the distant future.
The Beaver: Jodie Foster would like to know what the fuck you’re laughing about.
Blood Freak: A man smokes some pot, grows a turkey head, and becomes a vampire. No, seriously.
Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo: You’ve heard of it, now see if it’s worth a look. (It totally is.)
Bride of the Monster: Ed Wood takes on atomic horror in this bizarre diversion.
The Cocaine Fiends: I make a lot of cocaine jokes. Cocaine is not a joke.
Color of Night: An unerotic erotic thriller.
The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course: Steve Irwin tries to parlay his reality show into feature stardom.
Devil: Five people trapped in an elevator. One of them is the devil. Wake me up when it’s over.
Diamond Ninja Force: There are no ghosts. Only ghost ninjas.
Fireproof: Kirk Cameron learns to treat his wife like a human being.
From Justin to Kelly: The winner and runner-up of American Idol’s inaugural season had some unfortunate contractual obligations.
Glen or Glenda: Ed Wood on the benefits of cross dressing.
Gor: Adapted from the popular pornographic novels, the movie isn’t even redeemed by being porn.
Gymkata: The first Yakmala film and a classic in bad movie annals.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: The movie that hates everyone.
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): 100% medically insane.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: Uwe Boll’s masterpiece.
“Manos” The Hands of Fate: The Master wouldn’t approve of you skipping this one.
The Man Who Saves the World: Turkish Star Wars
Miami Connection: A terrible rock band is all that stands between biker ninjas and a cocaine monopoly.
Ninja Thunderbolt: One of the greatest terrible movies ever made.
No Holds Barred: A turducken of disbelief.
Omoo-Omoo the Shark God: Melville gets the Yakmala treatment.
Paparazzi: Rich people should be allowed to kill who they like.
Plan 9 from Outer Space: The ur-Yakmala film.
Prometheus: A bunch of idiots go up into space.
Quigley: Gary Busey turns into a pomeranian to learn a depressing lesson about God.
Samurai Cop: One of the greatest things to ever happen to film.
Starcrash: A Star Wars knockoff starring an ex-evangelist.
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: You’ve seen it. It’s terrible.
Street Trash: The finest exploding hobo movie ever made.
Sucker Punch: Zach Snyder talks about his love of rape.
Tiptoes: Gary Oldman plays a dwarf.
Troll 2: Not a single troll in this one.
Tuff Turf: James Spader fights a gang.
Twilight: See what all the fuss is about.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon: Abs vs. abs.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Things take a turn for the homoerotic.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1: Nothing. Just nothing.
There you have it! A bevy of bad for a (really) long weekend!