Girls, Guns, and G-Strings: Guns

Yes, there’s a special edition of this.

Guns (1990)

Cast: Erik Estrada gets top billing as the villainous Juan Degas/Jack of Diamonds/Joaquin Diamondez. The funniest part of Estrada’s turn is watching him act circles around most of the cast.

Dona Speir returns as Donna Hamilton, this time with brand new partner Nicole Justin (Miss November 1984 Roberta Vasquez). And Nicole… is totally Taryn. For three movies, I’ve been utterly baffled by Taryn’s character. Was she in Witness Protection? Was she a government agent? What the hell is going on here? Well, in this movie, we finally get the answer. Taryn gets an origin story, only in a tragedy worthy only of Shakespeare and Andy Sidaris, Hope Marie Carlton is not in the film. So instead we get Nicole, a brand new character with Taryn’s past. Carlton is doubly missed since she was the best actress of the bunch and the only one who could deliver a joke to save her life.

Bruce Penhall returns as vest enthusiast Bruce Christian, and to highlight Carlton’s absence, he’s dating Nicole with no explanation. Granted, people seem to be seeing one another with little to no explanation most of the time, so it’s not too jarring.

Cynthia Brimhall is back, and this time her character gets a last name. Edy Stark is no longer a Hawaiian restauranteur, but a singer in a sleazy little Vegas show. Win?

Miss June 1985 Devin DeVasquez plays Cash, the evil and often shiny girlfriend of the Jack of Diamonds. According to the IMDB (which is never wrong) she married Ronn Moss, who you remember as Rowdy Abilene from Hard Ticket to Hawaii. But get this, they married in 2009. I want the story there.

Michael J. Shane brings his particular brand of non-acting to the film as the first returning Abilene — Shane!

Rodrigo Obregon, who has been tormenting our heroines for the last three movies, gets a rare heroic turn as drag queen Large Marge. It’s sort of a cameo, except the only people who get excited are postmodern ironists or continuity-obsessed masturbators.

Lastly, Danny Trejo makes an appearance as Juan Degas’s henchman Tong. And yes, I believe Trejo is supposed to be asian.

Playmate Quotient: We have Speir, Vasquez, DeVasquez, and Brimhall, as well as Miss May Kym Malin as creatively named Kym and Miss January 1971 Liv Lindeland as the same character she played in Picasso Trigger, but this time she’s credited as “Ace.”

IMDB Plot Keywords: nudity, female impersonator, sixth part, nipples visible through clothing, cleavage

IMDB User Lists Appearing On: Bad Movie Fiends (BMFcast) Movies, Worst Movies Of All Time, Girls, Guns and G-Strings: The Andy Sidaris Collection (12 Film Set), 90’s Action Movies: Best and Worst, Owned Movies on DVD

Synopsis: Juan Degas, Vegas-based super criminal, hires chucklehead assassins Tito and Cubby (Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave) to commit a murder in Molokai. They want to do it with something complicated, but Degas didn’t get hip-deep in white limos and girls who dance in Whitesnake videos by overcomplicating things. They go to kill Taryn… Nicole. Dammit. It’s Nicole. But the two of them screw up and murder some innocent woman instead. They also kill Rocky (Lisa London) a character from Savage Beach who was only there to provide another set of boobs. It does establish the pall of violence that will hang over this installment, though. The hitmen plant a Jack of Diamonds with a scrawled message “FOR DONNA” on the front. The card is from the Rio casino in Vegas.

Donna rounds up her team in Vegas. This consists of Nicole, Kym, Edy, Bruce, Shane, and the ‘roided up black guy from Picasso Trigger who is only named on a flyer tacked to a wall behind him in one scene. He’s named Brown, which, since that’s the guy’s actual name, isn’t a horrifying instance of racism. We also get Abe and Ace, who previously appeared as an older couple in Picasso Trigger, who now work as magicians at Rio, making them the Penn and Teller of the Sidarisverse.

Tong dispatches two guys to kill Bruce and Nicole. Because this is a Sidaris movie, the hitmen are going to accomplish this in the most convoluted way possible: they get in a glider and shoot at Bruce and Nicole from the air. They don’t wait for their victims to even get out of sight of backup, either. Donna gets fed up with this shit, takes out her rocket launcher, and blows the plane out of the sky. Seriously, do not fuck with Donna.

Donna meets with the Attorney General of Las Vegas, who is also her mother. We get more of Donna’s origin story. Her father tried to stop drug smuggling in South America but was murdered by Joaquin Diamondez. Hey… wait, that sounds like a “Spanish” version of… no. And maybe it’s how poorly Dona Speir is aging with the weight loss, but she looks a good ten years older than her “mom.”

And then, something magical happens. I almost mean that literally. Abe goes into the police station to interrogate a couple criminals, and we get a flashback to that weird hit in Picasso Trigger that went nowhere. One of the agents in the car was Abe’s brother! He wants to know who ordered the hit. They clam up, so Abe uses stage magic to produce a motherfucking shotgun and straight up murders these two guys. Holy shit. That escalated quickly.

Nicole, wearing a black leather bikini, lounges on a crotch rocket in the desert at sunset and suddenly I understand Michael Bay’s entire career. Bruce is there too, wearing a matching leather vest and no shirt. They look like a Bugle Boy commercial. Nicole relates her origin story and it’s totally Taryn’s: she was an orphan who hooked up with a guy working for the mob, the guy got killed, and the AG of Vegas — Donna’s mom — got Nicole to testify, put her in Witness Protection, and hooked her up with Donna. Goddamn it! Where the fuck is Hope Marie Carlton!

The most 1990 thing that ever happened.

The heroes attend a stage show that’s half Edy singing badly and half Abe and Ace doing magic. The show establishes a button-activated trapdoor in the stage. The heroes are more interested in openly staring at Degas, who is also in attendance. After Edy sings, she stops by his table and is catty with Cash. Later, she complains to the heroes about Cash’s overuse of perfume. Degas confirms that Abe killed his men, and Cash suddenly channels April Ludgate, saying she wants “to feel the power of controlling life… and death.” For all the setting up in this scene, I think Chekhov wrote it.

Donna, Shane, and Brown work out in a gym and ninjas attack. You’re reading that right. Two full on, in-the-black-pajamas motherfucking NINJAS attack. And of course Shane is useless. Brown neck snaps one, and Donna, who was changing (of course) in the other room shows up in time to cap the other.

Cubby and Tito kidnap Donna’s mom, murder her driver, and leave a Jack of Diamonds for Donna. They stash Donna’s mom in a winnebago. Degas shows up, reveals his three identities, confesses to murdering Donna’s dad, and then rapes her. It’s not the most pleasant sequence.

And then, Sidaris embarks on a bizarre mashup of his traditional style and The Untouchables. Cash, dressed in a ridiculous ensemble of tiny cutoffs (with tasseled fringe!) a leather vest, and a top with a ton of metallic, bright, reflective gold, sneaks onto the boat. She goes right past Bruce and Nicole — Taryn never would have missed her, not without the gold glinting blindingly in the sunlight — and totally murders Ace and Abe gangland style. It is seriously fucked up. The heroes show up at the crime scene, and Edy recognizes Cash’s perfume. Instead of mentioning it, she goes to Cash’s hotel room and straight up murders her. It’s the Chicago way.

Donna, using her cargo-transporting knowledge, figures out that Degas’s plan involves gun smuggling through her backyard of Molokai and the hit on Nicole was specifically to draw them away from. Donna is officially done with this bullshit. Nicole and Bruce kill Tito and Cubby in a ladies room. Shane accidentally beats Tong in a shootout, making this the least-dignified way Danny Trejo has or will ever be killed. Donna and Degas face off on stage, while he holds her mom in front of him as a human shield. Donna uses the trapdoor to get her mom out of the way and shoots Degas with four fucking rockets because fuck that guy.

Team!

Yakmala? This is the most violent of all the movies thus far. It’s also my favorite. I don’t know what that says about me. The others had more inspired moments, but in between the highs, they often dragged. Guns moves pretty damn quick. I understand everyone’s motivation and I know what’s going on. That’s pretty high praise for a skin flick.

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About Justin

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