In the course of human events, sometimes one wakes up in the afternoon and realizes that he is largely surrounded by man-children who have somehow managed to find gainful employment and, in rare cases, attract the attention of the opposite sex while being simultaneously barely able to tie one’s shoes, cook spaghetti, or even order a drink at the bar without hemming, hawing, and staring at the bartender’s tits with slack-jawed wonderment.
While I don’t pretend to be any sort of apotheosis of masculinity, I do know how to find my way through the world without losing my cell phone, car keys, or self-respect. Here’s how:
- A man always carries cash. I’m not talking about walking around with rubber band stacks of twenties or carrying around your life savings in a duffel bag. Just make sure you always have enough cash on you for a cab ride home. And, as an adjunct to that….
- Don’t keep your cash in your wallet. Seriously. Get a money clip. Or even a just a binder clip. If you have to pay cash for something, how cool can you possibly look rummaging through your bloated leather man-purse, shuffling past old receipts and gym membership cards?
- A man always knows what he’s having to drink before he approaches the bar. This transaction also should take no more than 30 seconds. This is because a man only drinks cocktails with three or fewer ingredients. No, you will not see the mixology menu.
- A man always offers his chair to a standing woman, even if there are other open chairs available.
- Wear a damn watch. You don’t want to have to pull your cell phone out of your pocket every time you want to know what time it is. That’s just silly.
- A man always puts his phone, keys, cash, and wallet in the same pockets every time. This way, a man never leaves the house without these crucial items and is also very unlikely to lose them.
- Even if a man grows a beard, he always shaves his neck. Beards are for cheeks, chins, and jawlines only. A man also shaves at least every other day.
- A man knows how to cook SOMETHING. You don’t have to know the whole Larousse Gastonomique, but learn how to cook a handful of simple dishes. It’ll make your life a whole lot better. Learn how to make an omelet or a couple interesting pasta dishes. Learn how to grill a steak medium-rare or pan-fry a chicken breast without drying it out. It’s not that hard, I promise.
- A man owns at least 3 suits, along with 3 pairs of leather-soled shoes (oxfords, loafers, and ankle-boots, perhaps), and many pairs of socks that are a color other than black or white. White socks, it should be noted, belong only at the gym or on the basketball court. Don’t ask me when will you ever wear these suits.You’ll find the occasions.
- A man is not a dabbler. A man is not a dilletante. A man selects his pursuits carefully and, once committed, becomes, if not an expert, at least a very well-informed layman.
- A man does not wear slippers and sweatpants on an airplane. Ever. And, most importantly….
- A man always listens more than he speaks. If you let your mouth run, you’ll always lose the upper hand.
Take these to heart, gentlemen. They’ll come in handy, I promise.