The Best Movies Never Made: Hitlertaur vs. the Apache

Bill Blakemore, Geoffrey Cocks, Juli Kearns, John Fell Ryan, Jay Weidner


Bill Blakemore, Geoffrey Cocks, Juli Kearns, John Fell Ryan, Jay Weidner, Stanley Kubrick (credit only)


Taylor Lautner, Michael Sheen, Tina Fey, Kevin Spacey

Colorado. The Apache are on the move. Led by ab-tacular chief Never Nude (Taylor Lautner), they are really pissed off about the Overlook Hotel, which sits on top of an old Indian burial ground. It’s really disrespectful and all, but to make matters worse, somehow the hotel has turned all the former Native Americans into white people who live only to party and blow each other in dog costumes.

Meanwhile, Astronaut Mike Dexter (Michael Sheen) arrives to take care of the Overlook over the long winter. He’s exhausted from faking the Apollo moon landing, and has arrived to repair things with his wife Wendy (Tina Fey). Their unnamed son has some psychic powers, but it’s barely remarked on because that’s not what this movie is about. Instead, they’re troubled over Dexter’s crippling Tang addiction and habit of lashing out violently whenever he is kept cooped up over a long winter with only his family to keep him company. He is joined by his best friend, the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, which has developed sentience (Kevin Spacey) and is secretly in love with him.

Because of Hitler’s legacy of hating topiary in all forms, the massive hedge maze that gives the Overlook its name (“You’ll overlook all exits!”) has brought Hitler’s ghost through time and space to serve as a genocidal guardian. And he has become part minotaur because fuck you that’s why.

The Hitlertaur spends much of his time replacing the various gadgets in the hotel, from typewriters to vacuum cleaners with German versions and occasionally changing the colors of things and stealing chairs because the Holocaust. These changes haunt Astronaut Mike Dexter, Wendy, Apollo 11, and the son, prompting them to play a variety of schoolyard games, including hopscotch, butts up, and four square.

Astronaut Mike Dexter was going to use some of his time to fake a few more moon landings, but he is continually drawn to the ballroom in fits of homicidal procrastination. There he finds a perpetual New Years Eve party being celebrated on July 4th because time is a concern for lesser filmmakers. All of the guests are former Indians who speak in very brittle WASP accents and call each other things like Muffy, Chaz, and Reginald Whiteington VI. Astronaut Mike Dexter downs Tang after Tang, his resentment and rage growing. At what is unclear, but he periodically rants about various persecuted ethnic groups, and refers to his family with racial slurs.

In a daring moonlight assault, Chief Never Nude attacks the hotel. Hitlertaur knows an opportunity for genocide when he sees one and goes off to fight the Apache. The battle is deeply symbolic as both sides extensively utilize cooking supplies. Apollo 11 tries to get Astronaut Mike Dexter to do something, but he’s having an orgy with a bunch of ghosts and shouting late night catchphrases.

Apollo 11 then chases Astronaut Wife Wendy Dexter and her son throughout the hotel, attempting to beat them to death with a copy of the movie’s script. Astronaut Mike Dexter gets stuck in a time loop and turns into a giant baby. Hitlertaur pursues Chief Never Nude through the maze, only to be fooled when Never Nude walks backwards for three steps, resulting in a trail that suddenly ends.

Wendy and her son get into Apollo 11 and blast off. The hotel then explodes.

The film was created when a group of film buffs simultaneously went off their meds and decided to write The Shining as they understood it.

The time period is never specified. The Apache seem to be in the 19th Century, World War II was 1939-1945, the Apollo moon landing was in 1969, and the minotaur isn’t real.

All of the white people in the bar are played by Native American actors in make up. There was a brief protest among white people before everyone pointed out the first 50 years of the film industry and told them to shut the hell up.

An uncredited Kenny Baker drove the Apollo 11 module from the inside.

The son is never named in the context of the movie, although he is credited, somewhat confusingly, as “You.”

Hitlertaur is an entirely practical effect, except for a single frame where his eyes were CGIed to move.

The Overlook Hotel is still a functioning hotel. It was originally built in Dubai for an oil sheik with more whimsy than money who was forced to sell it when his harem was repossessed. It was moved to Colorado, where it still stands. For a little extra money, visitors can stay in the infamous Ghost Orgy Room, where actors will recreate scenes in the film.

Taylor Lautner actually got lost in the hedge maze. They found him three days later by catching the gleam of his teeth on Google Earth.

Astronaut Wife Wendy Dexter has no lines. She only screams.

The hotel manager’s name is seen backwards for a single frame, clearly spelling HTIMS MAILLIW which is probably significant in some way.

The committee of directors achieved the opening flying shot not with a helicopter as is commonly believed, but by flinging the cameraman from a catapult. The film is dedicated to his memory.

The hotel exploding is the only thing left from the original King novel.

Stanley Kubrick’s name is on the film, so any “goofs” are intentional choices made by the filmmaker to elaborate on a point we could not possibly understand. Even when the boom mike is totally visible in the “Peace Pipe Jazz Freakout” scene.

Memorable Quotes
Hitlertaur: I’m a-mazed you could find me!

Chief Never Nude: Do these jean shorts effectively hide my thunder?

Apollo 11: They taught me a song. Do you want to hear it?
Astronaut Mike Dexter: Sure.
Apollo 11: I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny…

(Repeated Line) Astronaut Wife Wendy Dexter: AAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAA!

Hitlertaur: I hate hedges more than anything! Well, okay, I hate Jews more. But hedges the second most.

Astronaut Mike Dexter: When they said I’d get all the Tang I wanted, this wasn’t what I had in mind.

You (Unnamed Son): I’m symbolic!

Selected Reviews
“I was offended. Also a little horny.”
-Audience feedback card

“Didn’t understand a single frame. A+”
-The Onion AV Club

“Dude. Sometimes a can of baking soda is just a can of baking soda.”
-Stanley Kubrick

About Justin

Author, mammal.
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Best Movies Never Made: Hitlertaur vs. the Apache

  1. Andrew says:

    For some reason, I really wish this were real. What is wrong with me?

  2. Pingback: Food & Wine Thursdays: Fear of Fruit | The Satellite Show

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