Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

At one Yakmala gathering, a friend told us all about this website where some guy wrote one line summaries for movies that were both technically correct and completely insane. Some are brilliant, and the slyest joke is the implication that Neil Gaiman has made a career of writing the same book over and over. Making these up has become a popular game with us (okay, with me, periodically annoying my Facebook friends). Since I’m on vacation this week, I decided to post something I could write in cars, planes and in front of Bigfoot statues while doing the Little Man From Another Place dance.

28 Days Later: After a traumatic head injury, bike messenger assaults the infirm.
Amistad: Property confiscated.
Anaconda: Menacing dick pursues Jon Voight down river.
A Nightmare on Elm Street: Handicapped school employee stays involved in the lives of students.
A Time to Kill: Double murderer exonerated due to ethnicity.
Avatar: Disgruntled veteran dooms earth for chance to score.
Babe: Farmer does not know what pig is for.
The Blob: Visitor samples local cuisine.
Braveheart: Convict interferes with royal succession.
Bridge on the River Kwai: Construction completed on schedule.
Children of Men: Unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
Citizen Kane: Sledding enthusiast dies.
Clue: Dinner party ruined.
Deliverance: Menacing dick pursues Jon Voight down river.
The Descent: Tourists clash with locals.
E.T.: Immigrant kept in closet, prevented from making phone call.
The Exorcist: Girl receives radical therapy for undiagnosed Tourette’s, nausea.
The Fly: Scientist desires closer relationship with girlfriend.
Forrest Gump: Special needs man outruns problems.
Friday the 13th: Mother objects to camp’s reopening.
Friday the 13th Part III: Goalie crusades for teen abstinence.
Gone With the Wind: Slave owner unlucky in love.
Gremlins: Christmas gift malfunctions, is returned.
Grizzly Man: Man enjoys nature. Nature enjoys man more.
Human Centipede: Pet escapes, causes destruction, mayhem.
The Hunger Games: Game show contestant cheats, is rewarded
Catching Fire: Game show contestant returns to arena. The same thing happens. Everyone is surprised.
Mockingjay: Girl must choose between war criminal and mentally challenged man.
Iron Man: Alcoholic commits acts of terror, murders business partner.
Jaws: Poacher’s boat too small.
Lethal Weapon: Pharmaceutical merchant harassed by suicidal veteran.
It’s a Wonderful Life: Wealthy industrialist completes land deal.
L.A. Confidential: Corrupt cops investigate other corrupt cops.
The Little Mermaid: Hoarder stalks prince.
Mulan: Transvestite murders immigrants.
Near Dark: Homeless veteran betrayed by surrogate son.
The Nightmare Before Christmas: Terrorist abducts head of charitable organization.
Night of the Living Dead: Rednecks murder heroic black man.
The Passion of the Christ: Unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
Poltergeist: Real estate developers use land effectively.
Predator: Rustic vacation ruined.
Predator 2: Tourist stalked, murdered by off-duty cop.
The Princess Bride: Pirate and circus performers stage coup.
The Road Warrior: Homeless man wants to fill up his car.
Robin Hood: Criminal targets job creators in socialist wealth-redistribution scheme.
Rocky IV: International understanding achieved through violence.
Saw: Self-improvement guru has questionable methods.
The Shawshank Redemption: Raquel Welch hides hole. (Lauri thought this one up. I’ve never been more proud of her.)
The Silence of the Lambs: Tailor enforces proper skin care regimen.
Straw Dogs: Home security system tested.
Sucker Punch: To escape an exploitative environment, young woman dreams of being a whore.
Superman: Illegal immigrant destroys property.
The Ten Commandments: Jew gets lost, decides he lives there.
Tombstone: Vigilante group violates social club’s Second Amendment rights.
Top Gun: Homosexuals need billions of dollars of military hardware to flirt.
Twilight: Pedophile serial killer finds love.
New Moon: Girl chooses elderly pedophile over young man with sixpack abs.
Eclipse: Elderly serial killers murder group of newborns.
Breaking Dawn: Unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
W: Special needs man outruns problems.
WALL-E: Trashcan loves iPod.
The Waterboy: Special needs man forced to play football for the amusement of emotionally shattered transvestite.
The Wizard of Oz: Girl murders woman, loots body, goaded into killing again.
X-Men: Civil rights debate gets out of hand.
X-Men: First Class: Date rapist, serial killer, fall in love during Cuban Missile Crisis.
Zodiac: Cartoonist bothers veteran.

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About Justin

Author, mammal. www.captainsupermarket.com
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion, Puffery and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

  1. Andrew says:

    Star Wars Episodes I-III: Unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

  2. Andrew says:

    True, but that doesn’t follow the Justin’s format. What was the deal with the whole virgin birth thing, anyway? Aside from playing into the prophecy, but given that The Force is not a personality-based relgion, the virgin birth element doesn’t seem relevant except to invoke the concept of a christ/anti-christ figure.

    I know…I’m trying to assign logic to the prequel trilogy. I’ll stop.

  3. Andrew says:

    Wait…big foot statues? Where are you vacationing?

  4. Justin says:

    Snow White: Runaway contributes to the delinquency of miners.

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