Upon Hearing About Osama bin Laden’s Death

What is he even looking at?

Well, most of America – the segment not obsessed with ridiculous, meaningless crap – groaned audibly and clenched their sphincters in anger with all the coverage of the Royal Wedding blanketing the news in America. You would think that, with all of our own undeserving celebrities, we wouldn’t feel the need to import some from England (we already have Russell Brand). But the American media felt the marriage of a privileged, bald white guy to some woman he found at a pub, or lift, or lorry, or whatever other fucking British word I can ironically co-opt deserved to air live here. We’re talking a 5-8 hour time difference depending on where you live; coverage started at 1am, in case you suffered from both insomnia and psychosis. The day was awash in discussions of the dress and shots of hundreds of British women in floral hats. I was unaware that many of those hats even existed. Would this be our weekend? 18 versions of the “What shoes was Kate wearing?” story?

Then Sunday night came, and we got something far more important. Sorry, Kate and William.

"No, silly! YOU farted!"

Now, let’s get a few things straight:

  1. I know much has been made of the whole “we shouldn’t be celebrating a death” thing. A fake quote was even created because of it. Would it have been better to have captured him and make him stand trial? Sure. But if his death is “second place,” it’s a close second, and I’ll take it. And I understand how life is precious and should be celebrated and not destroyed, but I don’t think Osama bin Laden should be your poster boy for this right now. “Hey, man! Stop hating on Hitler! He doesn’t deserve all the hissing and stuff!”
  2. I know this isn’t going to stop terrorism. It’s not a Bond movie; we didn’t kill Blofeld. And there may be some blowback coming down the pike. I trust that we’re prepared for this. The happiness isn’t about the end to a war on terror, because that will never end and, as many before have said, a war on terror is a ridiculous concept. bin Laden’s death is highly symbolic, and though that means little may have changed in practical terms, it’s cathartic for the country, and the world. Killing bin Laden won’t bring the victims back, but something resembling justice finally happened. We’ll take it.
  3. Obama gets to claim this one. If you can’t deal with it, there’s the door.
  4. Fox News really needs to get a copy editor / act like they have one:
  5. I finally got a hate tweet.

This was an insane way to end the weekend. It was one of those things where, if you went back in time to that morning and told me, “Hey, by the way, bin Laden will be killed tonight in a Navy SEAL raid,” I’d have scoffed. Well, after recovering from the fact a fucking time portal just opened in front of me.

Honestly, this is probably a beer bottle.

Add the fact that Obama probably knew this would happen as he was dropping one-liners at the Correspondant’s Dinner the night before, and it’s even more awesome. Again, is it the most moral thing to jump around about a guy getting killed? Maybe not, but I’ll leave this with words from Gabe Delahaye of Videogum:

Obviously, it is inherently tasteless to celebrate the death of a human being. Also tasteless: masterminding 9/11. So let’s just call this one a wash.
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About Louis

SUCKERPUNCH!
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One Response to Upon Hearing About Osama bin Laden’s Death

  1. Pingback: Not About Wine: On The Body | The Satellite Show

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