The Best Movies Never Made: The Mighty Thor

Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson

Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Mads Mikkelsen, Peter Stormare

Scandinavia: 14th Century, where the leading cause of death was Viking dick. Loki (Mikkelsen) frees Garm, the bloodstained watchdog of Hel, awakens the Midgard Serpent Jormungandr and guides the fire giants of Muspelheim to the gates of Asgard. As the gods wrestle with the beasts of the apocalypse, only one man can save them: Thor (Alexander Skarsgard), but he is missing. Odin (Stellan Skarsgard) consults with the severed head of Mim (Peter Stormare), and finds that Thor has forgotten his divinity and now leads a tribe of Vikings currently laying siege to the walled city of Constantinople.

Led by their bloodthirsty leader Thor, the Vikings nearly sack Constantinople but are repelled at the last minute by the primitive flamethrowers used by the defenders. Beaten and with half of his men currently on fire, Thor curses the gods for forsaking him and threatens terrible vengeance if they don’t help him out. He sails for home, but the thrashing of the Midgard Serpent causes his ship to be blown off course. Through the waves, he spots another vessel and follows it, hoping to find land. He soon finds that it is actually Naglfar, a ship made entirely of the fingernails of the dead. What follows is a sea battle between two ships, then a boatload of Vikings and a boatload of god-killing zombie Vikings, which is scientifically proven to be the only way to make Vikings more terrifying.

Thor, cast adrift in the seas, curses the ocean for being too cowardly to kill him. He’s right, since he washes up on the shore of an unknown land and tended to by a mysterious stranger (Odin in disguise). Odin gets Thor to accept his divinity with a series of completely insane challenges, most of which involve fighting armies, slaying monsters and being struck by lightning. This entire sequence is set to the most awesome Apocalyptica jam ever recorded. The people in the first few rows of the theater will get wet. With blood.

Anyway, Thor returns to Asgard kicks the everloving shit out of nearly everything in Norse mythology. Seriously. It’s the most hardcore ownage ever filmed. It’s like pouring gunpowder into your eyes and lighting it with a flaming cobra. So then the mysterious stranger gets mortally wounded by Fenrir, and reveals himself to be Odin, Thor’s dad. Thor is really bummed out about this, but because he’s a Viking God and not some emo-bitch god who would just kill himself out of douchebaggery, Thor deals with his grief the only way he knows how:

More killing.

Viking therapy.

Thor fights Jormungandr, Fenrir and Nidhogg all at once, then proceeds to beat Loki’s brains out with Mjolnir, the thunder deathhammer of the gods. As Thor looks out over his kingdom of Asgard, the first boatload of Christian missionaries lands on his shores. It’s a sad ending.

Shot entirely in Old Norse.

Stellan Skarsgard (Odin) is Alexander Skarsgard’s (Thor) real-life father.

The flamethrowers used in the siege sequence are entirely accurate. They used a form of napalm known as Greek fire.

Finnish symphonic metal band Apocalyptica provided the score and had cameos as four of the Vikings in the Valhalla sequence

In the original legends, Thor did not kill Fenrir the wolf.

John Milius did uncredited rewrites to the script, as did John Byrne. Byrne’s chief contribution is the infamous “sacred virgins” scene.

Cameo: Jim Caviezel as Jesus in Thor’s fever dream.

The battle theme was written and performed by Apocalyptica, with vocals by Tarja Turunen, former vocalist of Nightwish, who also portrays Frigga.

Cameo: The beaver puppet from Gibson’s ill-advised film The Beaver is briefly visible during the scene in which Thor performs a makeshift colonoscopy on Fenrir with a battleaxe.

Factual errors: Loki was not Jewish.

Crew or equipment visible: Right after Thor pulps the frost giant chieftain’s head with his hammer, the cameraman is momentarily visible in the river of blood.

Boom mic visible: During the scene in which Thor murders Fenrir by beating him to death with a sandal.

Continuity: The war paint on the barbarian chieftain’s face changes when he bursts out of the deer carcass.

Revealing mistakes: Obvious merkins on the valkyries.

Factual errors: A solar eclipse can only take place at a new moon. Also, solar eclipses are not caused by giant serpents eating the sun.

Memorable Quotes
(Upon seeing Jormungandr for the first time) Thor: Verily, the Odinson’s breeches are tawny.

(After Freya emerges from the waterfall) Thor: The Odinson’s Midgard Serpent awakens!

Selected Reviews
“Like a two hour metal video.”
— Pope Benedict XVI

“I think that movie made me pregnant.”
— Queen Elizabeth

“More satisfying than a forced blowjob from your girlfriend. Also, I’m not the biggest fan of the Jewish people.”
— Mel Gibson

About Justin

Author, mammal.
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to The Best Movies Never Made: The Mighty Thor

  1. Pingback: The Best Movies Never Made | The Satellite Show

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