What you see above is a marriage made either in Heaven, Hell, or the back alley behind a marijuana dispensary. It is the now-fabled Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. Much like the KFC Double Down before it went wide, it’s only at a couple of locations right now, so who knows if it will expand beyond that.
What is a Doritos Locos Taco? Simply put: that orange tinge on the shell? That’s cheese dust. Nacho cheese dust. DORITOS nacho cheese dust. Yes, ladies and gents, Taco Bell has accomplished what every baked college student can only dream about. They made a taco out of Doritos.
Now, I’m of two minds about this situation. On one hand, I’m terribly embarrassed for America here. The obesity joke target across our national back is quite large (it sits around the house), and if there’s anything we don’t need more of it’s ungodly creations from chain-restaurant scientists trying to pack fat and salt more densely into every cubic millimeter. We’ve already got the Double Down; let’s not even get into the cheese-fried fever dreams coming from the delusional skulls of Hardees’ management. If Burger King decided to make a Chicken-Fried Steak Sandwich with Red Velvet Cupcake Buns I wouldn’t bat an eye. I couldn’t because they’d be closed from me vomiting so much.
I’m no health nut, by any stretch of that term. In a pinch I will, regretfully but with grudging acceptance, grab some Panda Express. It’s simple, it’s somewhat tasty, and let’s face it, I’m not banking on immortality. But I’m not eating a goddamn Friendly’s Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt.
I think I have diabetes looking at it.
It’s not that fast-food is itself the enemy here. In-N-Out has been a leader in that industry (at least on the West Coast), and why? Because they don’t fuck around with this insanity. You can get a burger, or you can get a double burger. Done. They aren’t adding Sun Chips and corned beef, or baking veal into the bun. Just burgers that are (relatively) healthier. So, I’d rather the restaurants just work on making their core food better rather than trying to find what else they could possibly top a deep-fried pastrami sandwich with. Calm down, Fast Food, is what I’m asking.
On the other hand: I would totally try this. Once. I’d hate myself, but I’d do it.
The Satellite Show 
Not to besmirch In-N-Out, but you can order this:
Yeah, but that’s not an official menu option. You could probably have Ruth’s Chris top a steak with a pie if you paid them enough.
In-N-Out is famous for its unofficial menu options. Animal style, protein style, etc. etc. Can’t say the same for Ruth’s Chris. Just sayin’.