Check your damn bag already!

I’ve been flying a lot lately. Like, I think I’ve been on a couple dozen flights so far this year–mostly the short haul LAX/Burbank to SFO/Oakland, but there’s been some trans & intercontinental flights in there too. Here are some stray observations:

1. Fly Virgin America when at all possible.

2. Despite its very cool iPhone app, I really don’t like Southwest Airlines.

3. USAirways is even worse.

4. Who the fuck are these people who buy Southwest Business Select? It’s like 3x the regular Southwest fare for the privilege of being one of the first 15 people in line for the same shitty seats on the same crowded plane. And a complimentary crappy cocktail too. Yay. Actually, I know who these people are: 50ish overweight white men with goatees, khakis, woven belts, polo shits, blazers and really worn out Aasics.

5. Check your damn bag already!

Seriously folks, I’ve flown a lot in my life and my bags have been lost all of once. And that was when I was rerouted because of weather and my bags were already en route to my old connection. If I have to listen to another snide flight attendant remind me that we have a “very full flight” and that we need to “maximize the use of the space in the overhead bins” while simultaneously letting some douche bag businessman on the plane at the last minute with two laptop bags, a rolling suitcase and a garment bag I’m going to start throwing cans of Bloody Mary mix at people.

What’s the excuse?

You don’t want to pay to check a bag? Fair enough if you’re flying Virgin America, but JetBlue gives you one bag and Southwest gives you two checked bags for no added charge. Strike one.

You want options? Me too. I like clothes. I like to travel with clothing options. I have a perfectly good 24″ x 18″ carry-on (about 2/3 the theoretical “allowable” size) and it got me through 5 days in New York City.  If I needed something bigger, I’d check it. What the hell are you people packing for your long weekend in San Francisco? Are you going to Power Exchange? If it’s Folsom Street Fair weekend you’re going to have to check most of what you’re bringing anyway.

Oh wait, that’s right: “I don’t want to have to wait for my bags.” It’s a goddamn Southwest flight. Your luggage is usually there by the time you get to the baggage claim since it takes 20 minutes just to deplane because everybody clogs the aisle trying to unwedge their mammoth suitcases from the overhead bin.

AND NOBODY’S GOING TO LOSE YOUR LUGGAGE ON A DIRECT FUCKING FLIGHT FROM BURBANK TO OAKLAND!

Even if they do lose your bag, there are things called “stores” where you can exchange “money” for “goods.” A tube of toothpaste and a souvenir “I Heart El Sobrante” t-shirt will set you back ten bucks. Your suitcase will get to you tomorrow.

So the moral of the story is that if you’re traveling for more than a couple days, follow these simple steps:

1. Pack any essential business documents, toiletries and an extra pair of socks, underwear and a t-shirt in your briefcase, laptop bag or small carry-on.

2. Pack everything else in an adequately sized suitcase.

3. Check your damn bag.

About David D.

I'm a wine professional. Like a real one who makes most of his living in wine and have for most of my adult life. I also write, but you can see that.
This entry was posted in Armchair Philosophy, Dispatches From Academia, Home of the Bizarre Rant, I'm Just Sayin and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Check your damn bag already!

  1. Charlie says:

    Okay, why you gotta hate on the El Sob? That guy from Metallica will totally kick your ass.

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