Tender is the Heart: Episode Five: Tender is the Heart Strikes Back

Where were we?

That’s right, Dr. Freeman’s date, Raquel, shot him down so that he would respect her and they could have a real relationship, and then she went off and had a threesome with his best friend and colleague at the hospital.  Makes total sense.  Granted she did tell him to go sleep around himself too, so I guess that’s how adults act in the real world.  I’m only 31 and married, I apparently haven’t quite figured out this whole relationship thing yet.

Okay, we can do this.  We can all get through this together.

Having been denied relations, Dr. Freeman goes back to the hospital.  Is it the same night?  I guess, since it’s still during the nighttime, whatever.  Dr. Freeman passes by a couple of nurses agonizing over a patient’s chart.  “I’m telling you, this woman is not here for a hysterectomy!  She’s taking all the wrong meds!”  Man, what a shitty hospital.  Thanks a lot, Obamacare (topical!).  One nurse wants to trust the chart, but the other one punts the responsibility back to the doctor.  We’ll see if this subplot pans out later.  Dr. Freeman walks into big time tennis pro Christy’s room where big time tennis pro Christy is sleeping.  He pulls the covers up for her and sits down, staring at her.  That’s not creepy at all, dude. 

Meanwhile…oh wait, it’s not meanwhile.  It’s the next morning, and Dr. Freeman is still there, having fallen asleep with his head resting against the TV.  So not creepy.  Christy wakes up and instead of screaming at the sight of her doctor sleeping next to her all night, she smiles and says, “Good morning, Prince Charming.”  Christy’s manager, Beth, comes in and is understandably weird out by Dr. Freeman’s slumbering presence.  He finally wakes up and is all, whoops must have dozed off.  He leaves to get ready for Christie’s test, giving Christie and Beth to disagree on just how creepy he is.  A nurse comes in at just the right time to offer her own unasked opinion and say that Dr. Freeman is just super great, and even treated Reagan while in office (topical!  Wait, no it isn’t).  Christy then smiles and once again mentions that she reminds him of his dead wife.  Beth just says, “Oh god.”  Finally!  A normal sane person in this movie!  So refreshing.

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital, the douchebag from the earlier episode (the hospital administrator?) is super angry because the one ethnic person in the movie screwed up.  Remember how the token black guy had to fix the hospital’s computer system somehow, which he sorta did by putting a floppy disc in one terminal?  I barely did either, but anyway that brilliant scheme of his to skip out on work backfired, which I guess is supposed to explain the chart mix up from earlier.  I guess.  Let’s just go with it, it’s easier that way.  Even though black IT guy is overworked, angry douche is a big dick about it and fires him.  Uh oh!  That’s just what you want in a hospital, a disgruntled IT worker who evidently has the power to manipulate patient charts.  Good plan, douche guy.  So IT guy retorts, “Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!  You have got to be kidding!”  IT guy is not a very good actor.  I’m just going to go ahead and say that. 

So despite the fact that Dr. Freeman hasn’t showered, is wearing the same clothes for over a day, and probably only got a few hours sleep, he’s doing the tests of Christy.  Christy is acting all needy and keeps asking, “Are you still there?”  And Dr. Freeman mutters to himself, “I’ll always be here,” and “I adore you.”  And they call it…creepy love…

Test and awkward dialogue over, Dr. Freeman has solved the case.  But he has to bring in Dr. Foster, who apparently is an eminent neurosurgeon.  Fine.  Dr. Foster introduces himself to Christy (even though he sort of met her before) and to Beth, and shows himself to be an eminent Christy and Beth expert since he’s seen them play tennis and be on TV respectively.  Anyway, she has a small brain tumor.  Christy asks if she’s going to die.  Dr. Freeman chuckles, “Not for sixty years.”  And Christy turns to Beth, “I’m scared.”  Lady, he just said you’re not going to die for another sixty years.  That means the tumor can be removed, which is why he brought the neurosurgeon.  Good lord, you’re dense.  Dr. Foster is going to cauterize the tip of the tumor to ease the symptoms, and then shoot it with a laser in a couple weeks.  Because lasers are awesome and can solve anything.  I don’t know why he can’t just use the laser now, but I’m not an eminent neurosurgeon and expert perv like Dr. Foster.  Beth, again being the one sane person in this movie, is skeptical of this whole thing and especially Dr. Foster’s abilities.  Dr. Freeman tells her that Dr. Foster has performed this procedure more than anyone, and he invented it.  Sure.  Yep.  Beth takes Dr. Foster out into the hallway to ask the important question: can Christy play tennis again.  Sure, no problem, you know, as long as the tumor’s benign and not spread, in which case, no, she’s fucked.  She gets all worried, but Dr. Foster eases her mind by putting the moves on her, saying she’s too beautiful to get all worried.  The insanity bug running rampant in this hosptial has apparently started to infect Beth because she doesn’t immediately slap him.  Instead, she’s flattered.  They need to lock down this hospital for quarantine.  Quick before it spreads!  Dr. Foster contrasts himself to Dr. Freeman, who is “a sweetheart” while he’s “a bit of a tramp.”  Who talks like this?  Beth says that’s good because Christy is infatuated with Dr. Freeman.  He responds, “She is?  That’s fantastic!”  Uh, hello!  Doctors aren’t allowed to date patients!  Heeelllooooooooo!

Some time later, the operation was a success.  Dr. Foster informs a grateful Beth that the tumor was benign and the symptoms are gone (though the tumor’s still there).  She’s so happy she hugs him.  “Gratitude’s a wonderful thing!” he says.  “You come to my place for dinner tonight and I’ll show you and grateful I am.”  Oh good grief.  Beth, you had potential.  You coulda been somebody.  I guess everybody has to have sex with everybody else in this movie before the end.

Back in Christy’s room, Beth’s getting all prettied up for Dr. Foster, since she’s totally in love with him for some reason.  Sure it’s not the brain tumor talking, Christy?  He tells her to hold out her hands to make sure she doesn’t have any symptoms, and she says, “Yes master.”  Now you’re starting to creep me out, Christy.  Who isn’t creepy in this thing, seriously?  So the symptoms are gone and she can resume normal activities.  “Like going to the bathroom,” she asks.  “Sure.”  “Can you help me?”  Um, ew?  This movie suddenly went in a very unerotic direction.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing (weirdo).  So Christy goes over to the bathroom and instead of, uh, going to the bathroom, she drops her gown and turns around to expose her breasts.  Okay?  Dr. Foster reacts to this like any normal doctor would.  He politely excuses himself because it’s wrong to have sexual relationships with patients.  No wait, sorry, he smiles and embraces her.  And then suddenly Dr. Foster shows up at Beth’s front door with flowers.

…what just happened?  Where am I?  Did Dr. Foster and Christy have sex or not?!  If so, why didn’t they show it, as they tend to do in this sort of movie?  I don’t understand anything any more.

So Dr. Foster is at Beth’s house for that dinner they discussed, except they don’t bother with the dinner and go straight to the sex.  Good thing too, because the prospect of sitting through another dinner scene was not something I was looking forward too.  I also wasn’t looking forward to another sex scene with Dr. Foster, but here we are.  I have to point out here that the various naked women of Tender is the Heart actually look like real people, and not plastic inflated caricatures like some other softcore porn movies, which is a good thing.  Beth looks like she’s in her mid to late thirties, but still kind of attractive.  Too bad Dr. Foster’s red, bulbous, leathery face is in there too.  But then about half a minute into the sex, Beth looks at Dr. Foster and chuckles, “What?”  Lady, you read my mind.  The editor couldn’t have dissolved one entire second before?  Hilarious.  One other funny thing: they forgot to cover up her crotch area for a bit and you could see that they are TOTALLY not having sex.  Unless it’s, um, a little back door action…

I’ve skeeved myself out a little bit, let’s move on.

Back at the hospital, Dr. Foster is lying with a sleeping Christy in her bed, with her gown on again.  So did they do it or not?  No idea.  The nurse comes in with Christy’s sleeping pill, but since she’s already asleep the nurse doesn’t know what to do with the pill now.  Uh, put it back maybe?  Throw it away?  Dr. Foster doesn’t like seeing good drugs go to waste so he just pops it.  What a responsible and ethical doctor!  The best doctor, really.  I love how the nurse is completely fine with a doctor snuggling with a patient and eating her medication.  Totally normal behavior and standard procedure at Tender is the Sacred Heart Hospital (Scrubs reference).

Beth and Dr. Foster wake up the next morning in bed and have a conversation that’s very boring.  Something about Beth driving men off by being too forward with her feelings, but Dr. Foster is totally cool with that, because he gets more sex out of it.  I’m dead serious, that’s the gist of what he said, though he put it more like, I’m canceling all of my appointments so I can make love to a beautiful woman all day.  Irresponsibility is so romantic.  And then there’s supposed joke in this scene that’s kind of funny in an unfunny: Beth asks how he likes his eggs and he deadpans, “I don’t like eggs.”  Comedy. 

Also, this weird exchange:

Beth: “What did I think I heard you say?”
Dr. Foster: “Now I’ve got you saying it.”

What???  I have no idea what they’re talking about.

So now Christy’s been discharged and the oddly grinning nurse wheels her out to Dr. Freeman’s waiting arms.  He sweeps her up and takes her home for their sex scene we were denied earlier.  Here’s where the cinematographer, the director, and probably several other people should have been fired, because nobody did a very good job of hiding that white piece of fabric or plastic or whatever that’s taped to her crotch, probably to prevent accidental penetration.  Good job, guys.  What would that be called, a merkin?  I’m sure there’s a name for this sort of thing, but I wasn’t willing to spend more than two minutes researching it.  Anyway, blah blah blah, boring sex scene, guy with way too many freckles and moles on his back, hope he gets those checked out, but it is kinda funny how she practically shoves him off at the end.  She’s all, I’m done dude get off me.  No snuggling for her I guess.  There’s happy pillow talk that’s boring so I’ll skip it.  No wait, Christy asks a question.  Now this is the woman who was JAZZED about how she reminded Dr. Freeman of his dead wife, but Christy wants to know if he was making love to her or the dead wife.  What kind of loaded question is that?  Do you want to know if you fat in those jeans too?  But Dr. Freeman is honest and says he was thinking of wife last night, but once the sexing starting, it was all Christy all the time.

But then Christy drops a bombshell: she hates tennis.


See, her mother died giving birth to her.  Uh, what does that have to with tennis?  Sorry sorry, please continue.  She was then raised by her father, who made her train every single day to win, and she enjoyed his attention when she would win.  But now she wants to quit but there are so many people who depend on her.  There’s Beth, and there’s Harriet.  Wait, who the hell is Harriet?  So sorry, go on.  And there are the people who make her clothing line.  She has a clothing line?  Jeez, stop whining lady.  Sure, competing at a big time tennis pro level can tough and exhausting, but appreciate what you have.  Anyway, she asks him if he wants her to quit.  He says that she just play to enjoy the game, like sex.  “Try to get as much as you can out of each stroke.”  Oh god.  Thankfully the scene ends there.

And we go to the house of the black IT guy (still not sure what his name is).  He’s typing away at this computer, and you can tell he’s up no good because his place is messy and dark, he has a sloppily arranged stack of CDs, and he laughs maniacally. 

Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

So why does the one ethnic person in the movie have to be evil?  He’s probably not even going to have a sex scene.  I’m getting on the phone with HR right now.

Later on that day, Christy and Dr. Freeman are playing tennis and he’s terrible at it.  There’s a lame attempt of comedy about this, but I’m skipping it.  Luckily, Dr Foster and Beth arrive to save us from the humor.  Everyone’s all, hey, and stuff.  But Beth’s got a surprise for Christy: an engagement ring!  Beth and Dr. Foster are engaged!  I guess!  Uh, they just call the ring a rock, and I can only assume that means they’re engaged.  That’s usually what that means, right?  But wait, Dr. Freeman and Christy are engaged too!  Everyone’s engaged!  Hooray!  I guess that wasn’t later that day after all.  I’m confused, just how much time has passed?  A day, a month, a year?  God only knows.  But I don’t think they’ve finished zapping Christy’s tumor with that laser yet, and that was supposed to be only a couple weeks later, so…

It’s best not to think about it.

Back at the hospital, the douche guy is glaring at his computer.  “Son of a bitch!”  He calls up Bill, whoever that is, and yells that “someone is breaking in at will.”  Huh?  Apparently, someone’s been hacking the system but not doing anything.  I’m not Hugh Jackman so I have no idea how he figured that out, so I’ll just have to assume that he’s got it covered.  Oh, and he hopes that this doesn’t interfere with the big fundraiser next week.

Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

And back over with Dr. Freeman and Christy, they’re all totally in love and junk.  Everything is going great and will continue to do so forever.  But I know better since there’s about forty minutes left.  And don’t think I haven’t forgotten about Raquel, Tender is the Heart.

Apparently it’s now finally the day for the laser gun battle in Christy’s skull.  She and Dr. Freeman arrive at the hospital—but wait, who’s that lurking in the background?  Look out, it’s a black man, RUN!  Nevermind, it’s just our favorite IT person doing something nefarious.  I wonder if he’s going to mess up the laser surgery.  I think he’s going to mess up the laser surgery.  Nothing beautiful lasts forever *sniff*.  Later in the OR that doesn’t actually look that bad of a set, all of the staff are preparing to shoot that laser at the nasty tumor.  And once again I am proven wrong: there’s another black person in this movie, one of the surgical assistants.  I can’t be entirely sure he’s not evil, so we’ll just have to wait and see.  In the meantime, I’m waiting for something bad to happen, and sure enough, just as they hit the button to fire the laser the lights go out.  Oh no!  They don’t know if the laser actually went into the tumor or not.  After the lights come back, they don’t know whether to try the laser again.  If the laser hit the tumor the first time, then the new laser shot will go directly through it and into her brain, which is bad news, man.  Dr. Freeman doesn’t want to risk it, but Dr. Foster points out that it’s not his call since they’re a couple.  Finally, some semblance of real medical ethics.  Dr. Foster thinks everything’s cool, man, and orders the laser to be fired again.  The suspense is terrible, I hope it won’t last because I mean it really is terrible.  (One thing to note here is that Dr. Foster is not doing anything in this scene besides barking orders; the procedure is done entirely by the techs.  Lazy doctor.)  With the laser fired the second time, Christy is rushed to IC, whatever THAT is.  A quick google search didn’t come up with much.  It’s like they didn’t much time researching the medical science for accuracy and authenticity or something.

Will Christy live, or did they blow a massive hole through her head giving her brain damage?  Will they even notice a difference?  Find out next time, true believers!

(Oh god, still thirty minutes left…)

About Tim

Tim Bennett works for a publisher of science and technology, amongst other things.
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion, Sex Sex Sex and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Tender is the Heart: Episode Five: Tender is the Heart Strikes Back

  1. Smokey says:

    I really enjoyed reading this.. And to think I read it all the way through to find out why it was in my Hugh Jackman email from Bing. Please mention Jackman again now and then so I will get to read more of your stuff.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.