Tender is the Heart: Episode Four: The Neverending Softcore Porn Movie

When will the pain end? In an hour and ten minutes, apparently.

So picking up from our last episode, big time tennis pro Christie’s brainitis doesn’t seem to be life threatening, because our hero Dr. Freeman totally bailed on her to go on his hot date. Which is a double date with his friend Dr. Foster. Whose house is apparently somewhere in downtown Los Angeles because that’s the establishing shot they give us. Which is strange because they show Dr. Freeman walking to the house by means of a rope bridge.

       
Wait, what? A fucking rope bridge?! Where the hell does Dr. Foster live anyway? And what kind of doctor is he to afford a house that’s only accessible by rope bridge across a chasm. A rope bridge. In downtown LA. Are we sure that I didn’t accidentally play Tender is the Temple of Doom instead? Okay, let’s just move on. So Dr. Freeman’s hot date is waiting for him on the other side of the rope bridge and he–seriously, a rope bridge? Sorry, sorry. Dr. Freeman meet his date, Raquel, and hands her a bouquet of three entire roses. Whoa there, big spender. You don’t want to give her the wrong impression that you’re trying to buy her love. Fortunately she loves the roses and comments that he certainly knows the way to a girl’s heart. He cops to the ruse and says that roses always work. Then she says, “So is being a successful and good looking doctor.” Being married, I haven’t a clue how the dating scene works nowadays, but is that how the kids are, how you say, “rolling” these days? By blatantly admitting that they’re shallow and materialistic?

Unfortunately Thankfully we miss most the date. Instead we pick up where Raquel inquires about what kind of doctor Dr. Freeman is. Now, I’ve just rewound this scene about seven times and I swear she says, “That must be fascinating, scoring the brain and all that.” I’m not sure if that was a Freudian slip or I just misheard her mumbly bad acting. Dr. Freeman confesses that his choice of specialties was actually a mistake. What? A mistake? Fine, let’s hear your reasoning, doctor. He says that he’s always wanted to heal the sick but all of his clients are vegetables or are soon to be. God, what a dick. Maybe you’re just a terrible doctor, Dr. Freeman, and that’s why all your patients die. Dr. Jerkman, more like.But Casanova turns it around and says that if he could do it over again, he would be a pediatrician. “I would have enjoyed caring for new life.” Smooth. Raquel is melting so quick that she immediately shoves her foot into her mouth and asks if he ever wanted to have children. Well, here’s where we get the expositional backstory. The dead wife died in a car accident and with their unborn baby. Tragedy! Pathos! The opening sexy scene is now far less sexy. Total bummer. Raquel is so bummed out that she excuses herself and leaves out of embarrassment. Dr. Freeman follows leaving Dr. Foster and his date staring in awkward silence. (Oh yeah, did I mention that Dr. Foster and his date were there? Dr. Foster and his date were there.) Raquel is now sitting on the couch pulling a sad face. He tries to cheer her up by telling her how lonely he’s been but meeting her has reminded him that he needs to “let someone in.” She’s so touched by this that she says she knows why Dr. Foster invited her. (Even Raquel calls him Dr. Foster. Does he even have a first name?) She says that he needs to be close to someone again, and Dr. Foster figured she’d be more than willing. Aha! I knew it! Dr. Foster is a pimp and she’s one of his “bimbettes!” However, because of the (three) roses, and the dignity he’s shown her (what, talking to her in a normal manner that Earth humans usually do?), and the story about his dead wife and child (oh that thing again), she doesn’t want to cheapen this night. “I want you, Dr Freeman.” Wooo! “As a friend.” Awww. “And if I’m lucky enough, as someone much more than that. You could definitely make a much better woman out of me.” So they start making out but she puts on the brakes, saying that they’re going too fast. “If we make love tonight, I’ll never see you again, and I don’t want to be one of those woman you practice on before getting back into the dating game.” Wait, I thought he just got back into the dating game. The dating game usually constitutes dates. I guess? Some young person should give me the “411.” So she sends him off, telling him to go sow a few oats, and when he comes back she’s never going to let him go. Aw, how sweet. You know it’s true love when you tell your date to go fuck a bunch of random women before you can go steady. So Dr. Freeman leaves and Raquel joins in on a threesome with Dr. Foster and his date.

WHAT???

Hold on. Let me rewind that again.

……

Yep, that just happened. Raquel doesn’t have sex with Dr. Freeman because she wants their relationship have meaning and not be cheap and physical, and then she IMMEDIATELY has a threesome with Dr. Foster and his date. In a hot tub surrounded by no less than seventeen candles.

I do not understand what you humans call “emotions.”

So I guess when Raquel and Dr. Freeman were having their heart to heart, Dr. Freeman and his date (does she have a name? Oh whatever) were turning on the hot tub, lighting the seventeen candles, getting naked and had enough time to make out for a while before Raquel joined them, also naked. I won’t go into detail about the sex scene because while the ladies are nice to look at, Dr. Foster is in there too, and well, ew. Please stop pulling that face, Dr. Foster. However, I do want to note the background soundtrack. Normally I’d expect a bow chicka bow bow sort of thing, but this piece is all spacey, like a 1980s Planetarium ambient music. And with a beedly beedly synthesizer thing happening too. Very strange. Also, the music runs out before scene ends. Whoops. Also also, there’s a lot of splashing. Who’s going to clean this up! I did it last time, and I even took out the trash this morning! I’m sick of doing everything around here! You could empty out the dishwasher, too. I’ll load it but the least you could do is put the clean dishes away.

I wonder if the fact that Raquel had a threesome with Dr. Foster and, uh, the other woman will ever come up again? Spoiler warning: I can’t remember.

Hey look, that sex scene ate up some time. I’m almost, oh jeez, a fifth of the way through this stupid movie.  Getting closer, stay on target.

About Tim

Tim Bennett works for a publisher of science and technology, amongst other things.
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion, Sex Sex Sex and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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