This could very well just be a brief list of names, really. However, in promising you a Vampire Superhunks Hot or Not ranking, I feel I owe you more. I owe you more because you’re in one of two groups: 1) you’re a person who loooooooooooves some or all of the recent vampire fiction/television/film craze that’s sweeping the globe, and so you scrounge every morsel of related text looking for the mention of your favorite character(s) name(s), or 2) you mock this new craze and its devotees and you look for any possible bit of evidence to back up your claim that this entertainment franchise, and its fans, are silly.
Either way, you’re still reading. So let’s discuss Vampire Superhunks, and give them a Hot or Not ranking. Or at least show you pictures of shirtless dudes. (Sorry guys. Believe it or not, I was assigned this week’s topic. Just doing as told.)
One important note: you don’t have to be a vampire to be a Vampire Superhunk. You have to be either a Vampire or a Supernatural. Yes, werewolves count. (Quit yer bitchin’. I’m writing this.)
So, counting down:
7. Lorena, Bill Compton’s “maker,” played by Mariana Klaveno. One of the few True Blood casting decisions that we agree with, this lady is one of our favorite vampires. I won’t speak to her hotness score because, well, she’s not my type, but damn is she a good dresser. AND she wants to wear Sookie’s ribcage as a hat?? One of the funniest lines so far this season.
6. Bill Compton. Perhaps he’s not a rollicking good time, but his constant attempts to do the moral thing are so endearing. Rumor has it his distinctive southern accent is based upon Elvis Presley’s, which actually loses him a few points (we don’t appreciate mocking), but we do enjoy his chilvarous ways. He’s also an awfully good smolderer.
5. Sam Merlotte. Ahh, Sam. Good friend, good businessman, good collie. We’re seeing some interesting new sides of Sam as we get to know his birth family- we had no idea what an animal lover he is! Not to mention, we love Sam’s ever-revolving selection of pearl button-front plaid shirts. A swell guy.
4. Edward Cullen
There’s lots of discussion around here about whether Twilight’s Edward is a sexual predator (being approximately 100 years older than his teenaged human lady love), but Edward Pattinson is, according to his publicists, 24. While we feel a separate hotness score is really required for his hair, we must take into account his face, which actually lowers his score a bit- he’s too smirky.
3. Twilight’s Jacob Black.
Okay folks, there’s not a lot to say about hunky hunky Jacob. At least Taylor Lautner’s over 18 now, so it’s a little less creepy when grown up women are stapling his posters to the laundry room walls. But Taylor still get adorable points for taking his Esquire interviewer for lunch at the Olive Garden, saying his dad introduced him to the place.
Author’s note: you have to have a really strong stomach to Google image search photos of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. There are some weird people out there. The other interesting thing is that True Blood is a much more graphic series than the rather chaste Twilight saga, and yet the photos are much tamer. Perhaps there’s something to be said for giving the people what they want. Then they won’t create things like this:
or how about this…
or stepping it up a nothc with this…
Sorry, back to the countdown…
2. Alcide Herveaux. As my friend Sarah says, he looks like he does push-ups. We’ve only just met werewolf Alcide, but so far we like what we’ve seen enough to include him in this roundup.
And number 1, my favorite for hottest Vampire Superhunk? Eric Northman, True Blood’s Viking vampire. His book persona is far more appealing than his TV self, but man, Alexander Skarsgard is just so dishy. There’s a reason why he’s the most often pictured True Blood vampire. He also gets some of the best lines. One of my favorites from season one, when speaking about children, “No, c’mon Pam, they’re funny. They’re like humans, but miniature. ‘Teacup humans’.”
Now, we’ve seen the Hot, and the Disturbed, how about the Not? Some of these folks may surprise you.
3. Brad Pitt’s Louis de Pointe du Lac, from Interview With a Vampire. To be honest, I was very “eh” about this character, and was convinced by a review committee to include him in this list at all.
My pick for second to least hot vampire/supernatural? Tom Cruise as the vampire Lestat. Lestat is terrifying and creepily effeminate (not a winning combination) but also, I’ve just never liked Tom Cruise. No, not on Top Gun, and no, definitely not Jerry Maguire. I think he’s a total jerk who’s ruining Katie Holmes’ life.
Lastly, the winner of least hot vampire/supernatural? He’s not a vampire, and he’s definitely not super OR natural…