A Perfectly Mormon Solution

Spoiler Alert: If you’re reading this, I’m just assuming that you’ve seen Eclipse. If you haven’t seen Eclipse, what are you doing reading the internet for? Go watch Eclipse, because oh holy crap are there spoilers below the wolves. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  • Bella dies.
  • Edward and Jacob kiss.
  • They were right outside of modern day Philadelphia all along.

Just kidding; those things don’t actually happen until the next movie.

So, before I get much further, a disclaimer: As far as books go, The Twilight series are pretty much on the same ground as Push:A Novel by Precious. I’m sure they’re not particularly good and I’ve got no intention of trying to prove that theory by reading them, but I’m glad they’re out there, because they get teenage girls to read, and once they’ve finished Push and all of those vampire books, they might just be tempted to pick something else up.

But the Twilight films are something else altogether for me. They’re fucking sublime. Twilight the First had me at the very first fateful meeting of our starcross’d lovers. Jacob, in full Ronald McDonald makeup is sitting in Biology class, minding his own business, when in walks Bella, the one chick in school who’s pastier than he is. Dude makes this enormous smell boo-boo face before storming out of the room. And the whole movie’s like that: awesome.

From that moment on, I knew this was the timeless story of an exceptionally old man in love with a very young girl for me. That night, I ceremonially burned my copy of Lolita and most of my Garcia-Marquez books in a tasteful driveway bonfire.

New Moon was somehow even better, with the addition of new elements like enormous, terrible-looking CGI wolves, a clan of stuffy roman vampires clearly meant to represent the papists, and Bella joining a motorcycle gang, and me screaming at the screen, For the love of god, you boys are both supposed to be awesome fucking mythological monsters. Don’t you have something more interesting to do than moon over a sullen, manipulative, and only marginally attractive teenage girl? No? Didn’t think so. It was fucking awesome.

Eclipse opens with Edward proposing to Bella, which is interesting because that’s the way New Moon ended, but I guess we…didn’t remember? or something. Sure, she’ll marry him, if he turns her into a vampire, after graduation…(pregnant pause)

You see, after graduation…(pregnant pause) is a major big deal motif for the first half of the film. Bella should see her mom before graduation… Bella should hang out with wolfboy on the rez before graduation… Bella should spend some quality time with her earthfriends before graduation… because well, after graduation…(pregnant pause).

But that shit was like Kanye West: After Graduation, nothing worth speaking of.

Seriously, though. How do you top that shit?

Okay, so there’s a vampire houseparty, which is pretty much what 808s and Heartbreak was anyway and can I just ditch that analogy? Yeah? Good.

So, there’s a vampire houseparty, but no turning Bella into a vampire, because supposedly there’s a big threat with this group of “newborn” vampires, who seem to be after Bella? I’m kinda vague on that, because even though there’s supposedly an awesome vampire war coming up, but were far more concerned with wolf-turnin’ injuns showing up at the vampire ball like Montagues at a Capulet jam.

The effects budget was actually up in this film.

Long story short, because my god is it long: The vamps and wolves join forces to destroy Unicron a bunch of new vampires from Seattle, who want to eat Bella or something. The new vampires are supposed to be stronger, faster, and crazier than the old vampires, but luckily they shatter into a million pieces every time they touch one of the good vampires or one of the wolves. Meanwhile Bella turns to cutting and Edward decapitates the one credible threat in the whole series. That’s over in about five minutes, because what this film is really about is Bella kissing Jacob right in front of Edward. When some friends of mine saw this film, a lady in the theater with them took the moment to exclaim, “oh, she a hoe,” when this happened, but I don’t think that’s what we’re getting at here. Bella’s polyamory has long been established in the series, and Jacob and Edward are starting to work pretty well together. I know there’s another movie coming up, and I’ve gotta say, the groundwork has been laid for a plural marriage angle. It’s time when let Bella have it the way she’s always wanted it, both ways. Plus, what better way is there to cement the still uneasy truce between werewolves and vampires than to have a pair of them share the supple fruits of their own sulky teenage succubus?

About Mark

It is the business of the future to be dangerous; and it is among the merits of science that it equips the future for its duties. -A.N. Whitehead
This entry was posted in Projected Pixels and Emulsion and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A Perfectly Mormon Solution

  1. Clint says:

    “…let Bella have it the way she’s always wanted it, both ways.”

    So Bella wants to be Spit-Roasted?

  2. Now if I do recall Breaking Dawn Part 1 has now come out and Bella has finally made her mind up. She marries Edward and only Edward. And Jacob imprints on her daughter. Now I know imprinting on a baby sounds wrong but it doesnt mean he wants her as his anything. Imprinting just means that Jacob will be there to protect her,and to be there for her like a brother figure. The Twilight movies may have started bad making Bella look bad but it was all leading up to the final movies.

  3. Pingback: An Extremely White Wedding | The Satellite Show

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