Let me put it this way: even I’m skipping this one. I’ll try to write a preview, but no guarantees.
The Main Event: Light Heavyweight Bout
Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell (21-7) vs. Rich “Ace” Franklin (27-5, 1 NC)
The Breakdown: The most anticipated fight of 2005 is here! Chuck was originally slated to fight Tito Ortiz as part of the finale for season 11 of The Ultimate Fighter, but Ortiz backed out of it, presumably to spend more time beating his family. Rich Franklin stepped into create absolutely no anticipation. Although both Liddell and Franklin are former champions, neither one will get within shouting distance of the belt. On the upside, the loser might retire.
My Pick: I’m going with Franklin by KO in round 2. Seriously though, who the fuck cares?
Gore Factor: Medium. Look, I don’t want to talk about this fight. Best case scenario is it’s merely depressing. It’s starting to feel like the current seasons of The Office, when it’s only funny in fits and all the characters are starting to get broad, and there’s this younger version breathing down its neck.
Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic (26-7-2, 1 NC) vs. Pat “HD” Barry (5-1)
The Breakdown: Really? Really!?! No one in their right mind will pay for a Cro Cop fight anymore. At least there’s symmetry because he’s really old too! On the upside, Barry appears to be a giant douche. His nickname stands for “Hype or Die.” Doesn’t that make you hate him? Anyway, kickboxers, old guys, whatever.
My Pick: I’ll go with Barry by TKO in round 1. But don’t make the mistake of thinking I care.
Gore Factor: Hey, you know that Ashley Greene Sobe commercial? Does anyone else compulsively watch that whenever it comes on?
Paulo Thiago (13-1) vs. Martin “The Hitman” Kampmann (16-3)
The Breakdown: I think it’s time to retire “The Hitman” as a nickname. I mean, if someone comes along and is actually a professional assassin, he can have it. But until that day happens, no dice. While we’re on the subject, someone’s first initial followed by a hyphen and the first three letters of the last name is not a nickname. It’s an abbreviation. Ditto for the initial and the number. Dwight Howard isn’t to be called D12. Not on my watch. Unless that’s a reference to his penis being a longsword, in which case I’m cool with it. That fits more with Greg Oden, though.
My Pick: The Deadliest Warrior is a ridiculous fucking show. So far I’ve seen Pirate vs. Knight and Viet Cong vs. Nazi Waffen SS. You’d think that either episode would consist of a single word or a sentence at most. “Gun powder.” Or “who beat America?” I love Faramir’s intense narration, though. He’s really nasal, but he commits. I like to think that he could make nearly anything sound like a heroic battle to the death. I would seriously club a kindergartener if Faramir would do Red Lobster ads.
Ben Rothwell (30-7) vs. Gilbert “The Hurricane” Yvel (36-14-1, 1 NC)
The Breakdown: A lot of people doubt the depths with which I hate Avatar. They usually protest that while it was lackluster when it came to story, it was pretty to look at. I think my wife is pretty, but I don’t want to stare at her for three hours while getting yelled at that technology is wrong. Especially if technology is currently rendering her as a three dimensional Thundercat.
My Pick: I was recently exposed to that Insane Clown Posse video where they spend five minutes rapping about how stupid they are. Basically, if they don’t intuitively understand something, it must be a miracle and therefore evidence of either God or sorcery. What gets me is that they express amazement that their children look like them. Now, ignore for a second that these two retards don’t understand genetics… doesn’t this imply that they believe their wives are whores? I mean, are they shocked the kid doesn’t look like the mailman?
Carlos “Natural Born Killer” Condit (24-5) vs. Rory “The Waterboy” MacDonald (10-0)
The Breakdown: Boston fans are something special. I’ve never seen anyone go from epic shit-talk to climbing up on a cross faster than a Masshole. They do it without an ounce of self-awareness either. “Kobe’s a losah! Lamah married the ugly sistah!” [Kobe hits a jumper.] “Oh, there it goes. Series ovah. We don’ gawt it this yeah.” [Rondo scores on a drive.] “Wicked retahded! Suck it, Hollywood!” Congratulations, Boston. You made the Yankees the lesser of two evils.
My Pick: Season 1 of Veronica Mars is the single greatest season of television everywhere. Don’t try to argue with me.
Gore Factor: I feel like I should say something about Al Gore here. Not sure why. Okay, here goes: did Tipper leave, or did he just eat her?
Undercard Highlight: Lightweight Bout
Tyson Griffin (14-2) vs. Evan Dunham (10-0)
The Breakdown: If anyone has an idea for a movie I can profile for Now Fear This, leave it in the comments. I have a pretty large list of movies to get to, but I could always use some more. Hey, Evan Dunham! He’s pretty good. Nearly tore Efrain Escudero’s arm off that one time. Hang on, has this preview been going on this whole time?
My Pick: Boy, is my face red. But not as red as the gridiron action you’ll see on Sunday! Packers! Colts! Catch it!
Fuck it. I’m done. Catch UFC 116 when Lesnar and Carwin square off. I’ll be taking bets on how many Space Marine jokes I’ll make in the preview.