Where were we?
Oh yeah, only ten minutes in, and just seventy looooooong minutes to go….
So Christy Redford, big time tennis pro (in case you didn’t know), is suffering from dizziness and nausea, and only our hero, Dr. Freeman, knows the cure: love. I’m assuming. There might actually be something medically wrong with her, I can’t remember. We’ll find out….together.
Dr. Freeman, the hero that he is, leaps up out of his chair and bolts down the hallway to save her life. Wait, no he doesn’t. He sits there and sighs the biggest sigh I’ve ever heard. “Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhughh, I’ll be right over,” he moans to the Voice in the Ceiling (that’s the nameless doctor on the other end of the magical intercom, remember? You don’t remember? Oh well, who cares.). Jeez, doctor, chill out. I know the prospect of actual doctoring is the thing you dread the most like it’s been awoken in the darkness of Moria, but you’ll get some sex out of it. Trust me.
Oh yeah, Dr. Foster, the creepy doctor. Dr. Freeman turns to him and asks, “Wanna meet her?” Because she’s a big time tennis pro. “Do I!” says Dr. Foster with such false enthusiasm. You don’t have to be so sarcastic dude, just because you don’t care for big time tennis pros. Or maybe guy playing Dr. Foster is a bad actor. Yeah, let’s go with that. Meanwhile, Christy lies fetal in her hospital bed, looking either sad or nauseous or some badly acted mixture of the two, finally conscious, though not enough to notice that her ass is showing out of her hospital gown. Sexy! Not to worry, Dr. Freeman is a gentleman and discretely covers her up. Dr. Creepster on the other hand totally checked her out, the perv. Dr. Freeman can only barely introduce the two of them before Christy apologetically declares that she’s going to be ill. Luckily Dr. Freeman is there to hand her a container to barf in, which she promptly does. Double sexy! I tell you, nothing turns me on like vomiting hospital patients. Dr. Foster clearly doesn’t agree because he pulls a “have fun with that” look on his face and flees. Christy does not even bat an eye at the fact she just got introduced to a doctor who only said, “See ya,” before taking off. In the world of Tender is the Heart, this is standard operating procedure for these weird hospitals.
Christy at least has the sense to realize that this scene is not sexy in the slightest, which might be a problem for a softcore porn movie, so she warns Dr. Freeman not to look at her because she’s disgusting. What? Listen lady, he’s a doctor. Barfing is so down on the list of gross things he’s probably seen. Haven’t you heard of internships? I know what it’s like, I’ve seen Scrubs. He naturally laughs off her concerns, because they’re stupid and she’s stupid, and he hands her a hand towel so she can wash her face. Which CLEARLY does not have any barf on it, but whatever. So of course, all she does is put it under her face as support. What? Lady, he said to–oh god whatever. But then he says, “There you look beautiful.” Okay, first off! ….but you just….I….um…..sorry blacked out there for a second.
One thing I’d like to point here is that Christy actually is attractive, but not in a standard softcore porn kind of way. Nothing is plastic or inflated about her. It’s like she’s a real person or something! However, she is TOTALLY not athletic enough to be a big time tennis pro. Some things require disbelief to be finally expelled for repeated suspensions.
Dr. Freeman vows to find out what’s making her sick, so he sits down to read her chart. Now, I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one in a softcore porn movie, but shouldn’t he have done that before he entered the room? I guess that’s a standard medical drama trope: you can’t have an extraneous scene where the doctor studies the paperwork in his office. You win this round, Tender is the Heart. But I guess he’s finding this scene as boring as the rest of us, because he keeps glancing back to Christy. This seems like the perfect time to explore his loneliness, so of course the movie immediately cuts away to two random people. Who the hell are these guys now? There’s the black guy at the computer (hey, it’s our first and I believe only ethnic person!), and there’s the white guy who’s wearing what appears to be a sweater and a sport coat, so naturally he’s an abusive douche.
Douche Guy: “Look, I don’t care what you have to do tonight, okay? This is a hospital, and in those rooms are very sick people *points around* who would die without the assistance of our computers. So you SIT HERE and make sure these things work PERFECTLY or your fired! Is that clear?!”
Such a nice fellow.
I can’t even begin to fathom what kind of fucked up computer system where patients’ lives are reliant on one IT worker. If there’s a code blue in the ER, do they have to call the Helpdesk in India. “Good morning, this is Sanjay speaking, have you tried rebooting? Thank you, have you tried applying CPR? Thank you, have you tried rebooting again? Thank you, I will create a ticket number for you and someone will be there to assist you in the next hour.”
I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be rooting for here in this scene. I mean, I can detect the sure signs of douchiness, but I’m not sure if the movie does. I feel bad for the IT guy because he has to work under this insane hospital management but thems the breaks when he took the job. Since lives apparently really are on the line if he can’t get the system back online, he probably should be a little concerned. But as soon as the douche leaves, the IT guy grumbles, “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah………you dumb…..son of a bitchhhhhhhh.”
Dude! Don’t you know who you’re dealing with! The director of his hospital used to work for Enron Goldman-Sachs! (Topical.) But then he goes and says that of course he knows how serious this is. So serious that he spends the next thirty looooong seconds banging random keys and sticking in a floppy disc (oh hi, 2001!). What? “That’ll hold ‘em until tomorrow.” What?? I cannot keep up with this movie. It’s got more twists M. Night Shyamlan movie. (Still topical?)
Anyway, back to Dr. Freeman and Christy and he’s still studying her chart. Hey doc, that thing’s only, like, three pages. It can’t have taken you that long. He’s also clearly not reading anything, so he probably never learned and is just faking so they won’t take any his licence. Christy is a bit groggy, so she looks at him confused and asks, “Who are you again?” Um? He just came in the room a minute ago, Christy. It’s okay, you’re sick, we’ll let that go. So Dr. Freeman humors her and reintroduces himself and she is totally turned on by this. “Did you get a good look at me while I was asleep?” she asks with a wry smile. Um?? Easy there, crazy sick lady, your sickness is making you crazy, and forgetful. But Dr. Freeman grudgingly admits he was indeed getting a good look at her while she was asleep. UM??? But he reassures that her body motion during sleep can give him clues to her illness. Sure, right, uh huh. But sadly, he doesn’t have a clue what she has. It could be anything from a simple inner ear virus, which he thinks it is, or it could be–wait you just said you didn’t have a clue what she…..hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhugh. See, now I’m sighing the heaviest sighs.
Dr. Freeman is now done for the day (he’s got a hot date!), but he’s going to send a nurse in to wash her up and he’ll be back in the morning for the test. First off, you don’t send the nurse to do that. That’s routine patient care. Secondly, what kind of test? He doesn’t specify, just, the test. (What kind of test?! I needed a test!) The other doctor wasn’t here for The Test, she says. “Really?!” exclaims Dr. Freeman. Yes, probably because the hospital has techs for that sort of thing like a normal hospital. But Christy notices a look in eyes and wants to know if there’s something he’s not telling her. Oh my god, she’s a brain tumor! Brain fungus! Brain rot! She doesn’t have a brain! WHAT IS IT TELL US! He says she reminds him of someone but tries to downplay it as unimportant.
And then we get the quote of the day from Christy “If I’m to trust you with my head, the least you could do is trust me with your heart.”
So he tells her that she reminds him of his dead wife. Truly, what women wouldn’t fall for a line like that. Of course, Christy looks NOTHING like the dead wife so we’ll just have to take his word for it. She wants to know more but he drops the subject and promptly escapes. “Hey! Wait, that’s not fair!” Um, what’s not fair? What are you talking about, lady? Oh that’s right, it’s pathogenic prions talking.
And right on cue, Christy’s friend who brought her into the hospital comes and notices that she passed the doctor on the way in. Christy is beaming: “Isn’t he wonderful! I remind him of his dead wife!”
Finally I’m not alone in my bewilderment since the friend is also weirded out by how utterly PLEASED Christy is about this.
That’s enough brain hurting for one day. Hey, I managed to get through a whole five minutes! It’s called progress.