Not that I want to step on anybody’s toes, but sometimes you come across a softcore porn movie on Netflix Instant that looks so bad and ridiculous you have to click on it to see just how bad and ridiculous it can be, and then you find out it is so bad and ridiculous that you have to write down a short multipart recap to tell everyone about it.
“Tender is the Heart” opens with some guy who ends up being Dr. Thomas Freeman taking a shower. I emphasize the whole “ends up being” thing because this movie doesn’t feel like telling you things sometimes and you have to play catch up until the exposition is dropped as if Wile E. Coyote were standing underneath. The point is that Dr. Freeman is taking a shower, making the movie’s first nudity full frontal male. NOT OFF TO A GOOD START. Just kidding, it’s a little something for the ladies and some guys. We’re being considerate. Is this guy supposed to attractive, though? I guess, in an early 90s kind of way. Male hotness has come a long way since then, like Daniel Craig, rowr.
Suddenly, a naked redheaded woman comes up from behind and doesn’t so much put the moves on him as leap into the air and pounce like a rare ginger leopard, never before filmed and narrated by David Attenborough. Dr. Foster is a little confused at first and who wouldn’t be if you were assaulted while bathing, but he apparently knows this woman, or at least her name I guess because he recognizes her, and that’s a good enough reason to get it on showerstyle. So here we have our first sex scene, and it’s softcorific. Lots of grinding and mugging and gesticulating. Also, Dr. Freeman makes this face:
Have fun with those nightmares!
So with that over, now is the time we find out that this mysterious redhead is Dr. Freeman’s dead wife. That’s right, our hero Dr. Freeman has a wife. Who is dead. Who just had probably-but-who-knows imaginary sex with him in the shower. Uh, what? Did this whole scene happen in his mind or was she a ghost? The world may never know. Oh, and I’m pretty sure this mysterious dead wife who just made with the sexy time doesn’t even get a name. She’s just referred to as “his dead wife” for the remainder of the film. (Side note: the actress’ name is Adriana Sult, and the jokes write themselves.) And another thing! These two actors are really, really pale. Are they vampires? Do they sparkle in the sunlight? Their shoulders certainly turn bright red from being bombarded with hot water for however long it took to film this scene. I’m fine with it but it seems odd for this type of movie, more spray on or bed baked maybe. Where was I? Oh yes, she was in the middle of telling him to move on with his life. Because she’s dead. Why would he need to move on if you’re just gonna show up for ghostly sex every now and then? But of course he falls in love with the first woman he sees the next day.
That would be our heroine, Christy, whom (fancy!) we immediately cut to without any clue, hint, indication, or road sign to her identity or importance to the story. All we can tell is that she plays tennis and enjoys collapsing due to sudden onset of illness on the court. Since all ever we see her do is play tennis and have a life threatening illness, we find out later that she’s a professional tennis player and an expert at dying, though she ends up not being very good at the latter (spoiler!). Oh and sex, mustn’t forget what type of film we’re watching.
Christy is rushed to the hospital where Dr. Freeman works, which is where we find out that he’s a doctor of some nebulous specialty and with appalling ethics. In fact, the whole hospital should be investigated and closed down for gross incompetence, serious violations of doctor/patient relationships, and even a case of attempted manslaughter, but more on that later. In fact, I’ve noticed that this review is running long and I’m only through the first seven minutes.
To be continued next week, same sexy time, same sexy Satellite Show!