Okay, here’s the thing about me. I’m all for the Bill of Rights.
- I. Freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, whatever else floats your boat? Great, because it gives me not only the freedom, but also the ample opportunity to make fun of those people who choose to exercise that right in the most absurd ways possible.
- II. State militias and the right to bear arms? We could debate the relevance of the second amendment in modern times and all of that, but fuck it. Guns are fun and I’ll admit to having sent many a biodegradable clay pigeon to its demise. As for militias, everybody needs a hobby, right?
- III. No quartering soldiers. I’m totally down with this one. If the Wild Palms is good enough for Erik, it’s good enough for our troops.
- IV. No unreasonable search and seizure. That’s right, cops. Come and try to snatch my crops. They are, after all, delicious. (Two kinds of tomatoes, nine kinds of peppers, radishes, chard, zucchini, broccoli, artichokes, onions, sweet peas, strawberries, rosemary, parsley, basil, and a couple types of edible flowers)
- V. Due process, “pleading the 5th”, etc. Those framers sure were wordy, but I’m pretty sure this is why all those CIA Black Site prisons are far away and all hush hush.
- VI. Speedy trials are super.
- VII. Holy crap! I can get a jury trial over a $20 matter! Frivolous lawsuits HO!
- VIII. Reasonable bail, fines, punishment. Fine, but a bit of a yawn after #7.
- IX. Neither denying nor disparaging other rights not stated in this list. I’m looking at you, prop eighters.
- X. Power to the people (and the states). Rather open ended, but I’m okay with it.
So, there we go. This is all fresh for me, because I just took a test on the Constitution, and scored a 98%, by the way. When I swore to protect and defend that mofo, I meant it.
So, I’m a little pissed at these folks who think their precious second amendment is in danger every time someone tells them not to bring their guns to Peet’s. Clearly, it’s for their own good, though. That stuff makes you jittery, and when you’re jittery, you shoot more.
So, not content merely showing off their guns at Wal-Mart, Starbucks, and our national parks, a group of gun-hot-mouth-breathers open-carry advocates converged on Alexandria, VA to wave their guns at the US Capitol on the fifteenth anniversary of militia supporter and gun-control critic Tim McVeigh’s bombing of the Oklahoma City Federal Building.
We are coming to a fundamental break where people, real people — the guilty and innocent alike — where people are going to be dying for their failure to understand. They start wars, these wannabe tyrants.
-Mike Vanderboegh, 57, crazy
Vanderboegh went on to claim that gun rights advocates should only use their weapons in cases of the government threatening their lives, or, you know, trying to get them signed up for health insurance, which is the opposite of threatening their lives.
Okay, I’ll say it: these people scare the holy heavenly living fuck out of me. They seem so misguided and sincere and expect major gun battles in retail outlets and coffee shops. And ummm… just in case they’re right, I’ll be at Peet’s, okay?
In my research, I came across this video of an open carry event in Walnut Creek.
Seriously, fat middle aged white guys, more health care, less Starbuck’s, okay. I want my local scary militia to live to see the revolution.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Johnny Cash: